Six years into this mostly virtual world, I now know we were not meant to look at ourselves 24/7.
Save for a glimpse before leaving the car, and then another full-body and ass scan in the bathroom mirror before heading into in-person meetings. Yet there was something comforting about seeing, in real time, how I show up for others.
Then I began questioning, “Does my hair always puff out to the side?” “Does my head always shake or only when stressed?” Or “Which nervous habits am I mimicking?”
Watching me watch others watch me, with the barrage of reels from strangers, while simultaneously responding to emails and chats and sharing screens, left my brain overloaded. Something had to give.
My need to change set off a chain reaction toward intentionality.
I deleted all Meta apps
My first action was to turn off phone notifications and create distance with social apps throughout the day. As a caregiver to my mom with Alzheimer’s, turning on “Do Not Disturb” didn’t feel safe, but flipping the phone over and having it out of reach was a reasonable approach when working.
I checked messages less often but found I was still “tapping” into Facebook and Instagram on quick breaks between calls, like a woodpecker excavating its next home. My youngest suggested deleting all Meta apps from my phone, which immediately freed my mind for healthier activities such as stretching, having a snack, or actually going to the bathroom.
I scheduled conversations the old-fashioned way
In addition to work, I was frequently on FaceTime after recently moving out of state and away from family and friends. Thinking back decades ago, twirling the spiral telephone cord while yammering with girlfriends, I swapped virtual face-to-face for audio-only calls with several people, never feeling like something was missing. In fact, not having to get dressed or pay any attention to my own face seemed to make me more present.
Avigail Lev, director of Bay Area CBT Center, said that “Self-monitoring takes us out of the moment, meaning, you are no longer in the interaction.” Adding, “You are seeing yourself as the object rather than your own subjective experience.” Lev explained how this affects one’s self-esteem, confidence, and psyche. I never thought of myself as self-critical, yet it’s likely impossible not to consider appearance and mannerisms when constantly in observe-mode.
One of the benefits of the 21st century is not being tethered to a wall phone jack, so as Minnesota’s seasons changed to spring and summer with nearby lakes and trails, I combined personal and professional walks and talks, sans camera, which, as Lev noted, took me right out of the equation. No surprise, exercise and fresh air work well in fighting camera fatigue.
Another bonus in separating myself from my device has been actually forgetting it at times when heading out for an evening stroll. It’s hard to believe that walks even happen without an app counting steps, but I learned to calculate miles manually after ditching my smartwatch years ago.
I made my virtual meetings shorter
While some research indicates Zoom meetings are not as exhausting as in-person meetings (perhaps because they’ve become the norm), there is evidence that the length of time (more than 44 minutes) one spends in online meetings is. I now schedule meetings for 30-45 minutes, allowing my colleagues and me to have at least a 15-minute break between calls.
I know many people love working from home, and I love that people can. But it drives me a little crazy to be in one place all day, so I’ve created distinct spaces where I can meet virtually with others, and when possible, I stand and work at my kitchen island. Moving around seamlessly offers a little less monotony and a needed change of scenery. On days when I have to strategize and prepare for working sessions, I visit my local library, taking advantage of study rooms, free printing, and just the right level of white noise that makes me feel like I’m back in an office. Doing these things helps minimize distractions and support my state of mind.
It’s been easy to blame my nervous system on technology, yet as a coach, I recognized the need to assess my own mindset and confidence levels. In the end, it doesn’t matter how many chins show up on screen — it’s not for me to see or worry about. I’ve been invited to conversations with coworkers, family, and friends for the value I bring to these relationships.
So, with an understanding of the impact tech was having and enjoying being more present for others, I glance in a mirror (once again) before joining a call and add “hide self-view” to my routine. The results have been meaningful: more patience, improved memory, and not feeling so drained at the end of the day. Turns out, with intentionality comes more presence. And that’s something worth looking at.
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