First dates are mostly two strangers sitting across from each other trying to figure out what they’ve gotten themselves into. You’re sizing them up to see if they look like their photos and wondering if this has second-drink potential or if you’ll be home by nine.
No trick guarantees a good night. Your date could be boring, or you could show up already annoyed because parking cost $28. But a few things make it easier to tell whether there’s actually anything there.
1. Breathe Before You Walk In
Give yourself a minute before you go inside. “Before you walk in, sit for a moment and take three slow breaths, making each exhale longer than the inhale,” matchmaker Cassindy Chao told Cosmopolitan. It sounds obviously basic and maybe a little woo-woo, but breathwork is actually super helpful in stressful situations.
2. Ask the Follow-Up Question
Harvard researchers looked at approximately 2,000 speed-dating conversations and found that people who asked more follow-up questions were more likely to get a second date. “We found that the number of follow-up questions one asks predicts the partner’s willingness to go on a second date,” lead researcher Karen Huang told NPR. If your date tells you about getting food poisoning in Lisbon, stay there for a minute. No need to immediately pivot to “So, siblings?”
3. Flirt on Purpose
First dates can die of politeness. Two people sit there being charming and asking sensible questions, but no one actually flirts. Dating coach Kimmy Seltzer told Cosmo that people often decide there was no spark when neither person took much of a risk. Let the eye contact hang for a second. Say something you wouldn’t say to the payroll lady at work. Otherwise, you just had drinks with a new friend.
4. Leave the Ex at Home
Everyone has history, and some of it is still hanging around. Understandable. But if half your stories somehow circle back to “my ex used to…,” your date is going to notice. It’s hard to figure out whether there’s anything new here when the last relationship keeps pulling up a chair.
5. Figure Out If You Like Them
Many people walk into first dates worried about impressing and forget the other person is also being evaluated—by you. Ask yourself whether you actually like them. Not if they seem into you. Not if they have a good job. But if you really want another hour with this person after the first drink.
6. Give the Slow Burn a Chance
A perfectly decent first date gets thrown out all the time because no one felt struck by lightning over a plate of burrata. Logan Ury, director of relationship science at Hinge, told NPR that only 11% of people said they felt love at first sight with their partner. Her advice is to make the second date the default unless the first one gave you a solid reason not to.
Lots of relationships start with “That was nice,” and build from there.
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