DEAR ABBY: I am a man in my 40s. A woman and I had a relationship that ended badly. We met on the job, though we work in different departments. Everyone knows about our previous relationship, and it is extremely awkward.
Every time I walk by, there are lots of smiles and chattering; when I approach my co-workers’ desks, I’m greeted with silence and intense stares. I still have strong feelings for her, and I know they are reciprocated because she has verbalized it and shown it with her actions and behaviors.
After she ended things, I was upset and gave her the silent treatment. I know she feels hurt by my pretending like she doesn’t exist. I am a stubborn man, but I really miss her. After the breakup, she mentioned being friends.
I cannot be friends with her. Despite the amount of time that has gone by, I still want to fix things. However, I know my real intentions and illusions about getting back together are misguided fantasy. I would appreciate your insights. — AWKWARD AT WORK
DEAR AWKWARD: Do you understand that it’s you, not your co-workers, making things awkward? By resorting to the silent treatment, you’ve made everyone uncomfortable. You say you want to fix things, but you’ve made no attempt to do so. You don’t believe you can reconcile with your ex, but on what grounds? You won’t even talk to her!
I don’t think you’re “stubborn”; I think you’re afraid. You’ve kept up this unseemly behavior because you don’t want to be hurt again. If you can’t muster the courage to tell this woman you want another chance, you have two options left: Either speak with her purely as a colleague and bury the hatchet so you can at least be cordial in the workplace, or start looking for another job.
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DEAR ABBY: My father’s girlfriend, “Jane,” has started soliciting money for her causes from everyone she knows, especially our family members. After the first request, I donated a modest amount to support her, not knowing the deluge of requests that would follow. I have a set amount of money I can use for charity and would rather decide for myself how to spend it.
Jane and my father are sensitive about her being accepted into our family. They both tend to look for slights and then blow them out of proportion. Dad has made it clear that unless my siblings and I fully embrace Jane, he won’t be part of our lives.
I admire him sticking up for her, but I know if I decline the next donation request it’s going to get ugly. I feel like I’m being held hostage. How do I get out of this situation? — HELD HOSTAGE IN VANCOUVER
DEAR HELD HOSTAGE: Talk to your father privately and tell him you love him. Remind him that you don’t have an unlimited amount of money to donate to charity, that you have causes of your own that are important to you, and that you have already donated to Jane’s more than once.
Ask him to explain that to her and that it isn’t a rejection of her — just fiscal responsibility on your part. He needs to know you feel like you won’t be able to have a relationship with the father you adore if you refuse these solicitations.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. For nearly four decades, Jeanne Phillips penned this column, which was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.
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