We all know a person who seems almost addicted to their own suffering, constantly dwelling on the unfairness of their situation or finding comfort in their own sadness. And while you might feel an urge to judge them for this, the pattern is often subconscious and can be rooted in chronic shame and conflict.
Of course, some people do find themselves in an unhealthy victim mentality—seeking attention, validation, and rescuing—but even that can be a result of internal pain.
So how can you break out of this self-limiting mindset and psychological state? According to a therapist, it all starts with embracing vulnerability.
Can You Be Addicted to Suffering?
Most people don’t actually want to be unhappy, but it can be oddly comforting and less stressful to live at rock bottom, as there’s nowhere else to go but up.
“When you’ve spent years expecting disappointment, criticizing yourself, or living in conflict, those experiences can become familiar and comfortable. Familiar and comfortable doesn’t always mean enjoyable, but it can feel like a safer emotional experience because you know what to expect,” says Brittany Polansky, MSW, LCSW, Assistant Clinical Director at First Step Behavioral Health.
“From the outside, an addiction to unhappiness can look like choosing unhappiness or choosing to be miserable, but on the inside, it can feel more like returning to an emotional environment in which the person knows how to operate and survive. A healthy relationship or peaceful period of life may even create anxiety because the person is waiting for something to go wrong.”
In other words, the source of happiness gives you something to lose.
When someone is used to conflict, then peace and fulfillment can begin to feel uncomfortable and even anxiety-inducing. In some ways, it can feel “irresponsible” not to brace yourself for the worst, because that’s all you know. But this pattern can also be incredibly self-limiting.
“For some people, expecting the worst becomes a sort of emotional defense against themselves getting hurt,” Polansky adds. “There can be an unconscious belief that if you never get too hopeful, you can never be too disappointed. The problem is that protecting yourself from disappointment this way can also protect you from experiencing joy.”
Additionally, and in my own experience, I’ve felt as though I didn’t deserve good things. For much of my life, my chronic shame convinced me that I must suffer or struggle to earn love, acceptance, and peace—even from and within myself.
How to Accept Peace and Happiness in Your Life
According to Polansky, accepting happiness requires vulnerability, which can be stressful for some.
“Caring about a person, opportunity, or new chapter in life means also acknowledging that you could eventually lose it,” she explains. “Some people try to avoid getting that vulnerable by emotionally leaving the experience before anything has actually gone wrong. It’s a protection mechanism.”
It might seem counterintuitive to choose unhappiness as an attempt to avoid said unhappiness in the first place. But really, the former gives you more control, while the latter strips you of it.
Ultimately, the more you are willing to risk these vulnerabilities and open yourself up to potential failure and pain, the more resilience you will build—and, in turn, the more opportunities for happiness you will find.
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