This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Laura Lee Ehrlich, 54, who lives on Long Island. Ehrlich has cared for five older loved ones over the last two decades and gave up her job to be a more present caregiver. It’s come at a cost to her savings and emotional well-being. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
I’m the youngest of five siblings. My mom held numerous jobs when we were little, and my dad worked in the city. When he worked strange hours, my older brother was the man of the house.
My mom, who worked for a surgeon, got me a job with his practice, where I worked for 17 years. My sister and I worked for my family’s medical billing business. I also did insurance verification, and I’m currently in nursing school.
I wish I had listened to my mom to pursue this when I was 18.
I’ve been my family’s caregiver
For the last two decades, I’ve been on and off working because of my family’s illnesses. I was the one who wouldn’t work anymore and stay home to take care of my father.
In 2002, my son was an infant when my dad was rushed to the hospital. We had a cardiologist come see him, and he pulled strings to get my father into a Manhattan hospital. He wound up having open-heart surgery after doctors discovered he had a widowmaker heart attack.
Doctors told us he had six months to a year at the most, but he wound up sticking around for six more years. His body took a toll little by little, and he started having mini strokes. He was basically homebound, and my mom would stay home with him. If she weren’t there, I would be. I lived with them at that point. He would fall constantly, and we would have to rush to him frequently over a period of two months before he died in 2008.
My husband died in July that same year. It was completely unexpected. The hospital considered his mom and dad as the next of kin, and they kept him alive for four days while checking his organs for donation. It was too much for me.
Shortly after that, my father-in-law was diagnosed with prostate cancer. I took him to the hospital for radiation therapy and handled some of his errands, as he only had his sister in the US, who lived in Florida.
When my father-in-law became sick again in 2021, we got him into a nursing home because he couldn’t care for himself anymore. I’ve dealt with all the red tape for him, and I became his power of attorney.
I was able to get Family and Medical Leave Act money, and when that ran out, I went back to work. I couldn’t handle it anymore because of how many calls the nursing home gave me. I had some money saved up and had a 401(k) I wound up using.
I used up my retirement money
Then, my aunt was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and I became her full-time caregiver at that point. I took her to her chemo appointments, and I would stay with her for four to six hours after each treatment to make sure that she wasn’t getting sick. Being out of a job wasn’t so bad, and they would give me some money for my caregiving.
After she completed her chemo, she fell and needed back surgery to fuse two of her vertebrae. I became her caregiver again, and I would do her wound care. She recovered quite a bit, and we decided that she would do OK with just a cane. For a few years afterward, I wasn’t a full-time caregiver, and I moved to Tennessee with my kids for a year.
My sister arranged a trip for my mom to go to Georgia to see her niece and nephew. She broke her pelvis while there, as well as her thigh bone, a few bones, and her wrist. After three days of arguing about what to do, we got her into a rehab facility. Her mind was slipping quite a bit. My siblings and I made sure my mom had everything she needed. After trying out aides who were not helpful, my sisters and I moved in with my mom on a rotating schedule, 24/7.
She didn’t know where she was or who the people were. This probably lasted for a year and a half. At the start of the pandemic, she broke her femur, and she was only in the hospital. We got a hoist lift, but she really degraded quite a bit. She died in 2021.
My aunt offered for my kids and me to live here permanently, but it became obvious very quickly that she was developing Alzheimer’s disease. I would have to babysit her all day to make sure she wasn’t getting scammed or doing anything wrong. I had to take over control of her medication. I hired an aide to take her out during the day to give me a break, and that went on for a year and a half. Then, we took the car away from her.
One day at the mall, she fell and broke her femur. She went to rehab, and I got her placed at an assisted living, which I haven’t been thrilled about. She’s been there for about a year. There hasn’t been much for me to do in her case, and I know I should be more active, but I can’t handle it.
I became her trustee, and I get a living stipend that I draw on, which is enough to get by. I don’t have to pay for her house.
I’m caring for my mother-in-law, who is 85, and is not requiring any medical care except for driving her to all of her doctors. I’ve taken over her bills and mail because she can’t see very well. I’m there to clean the house and fix anything. I’m probably with her for four hours, three times a week. I’d suspect caregiving costs are between $1,000 and $2,000 monthly.
I’m waiting for my life to start
I’m taking it one day at a time. I don’t have any plans for my life except taking care of my mother-in-law. When she’s no longer here, that’s when my life will start. I’m hoping to complete nursing school and find a good job somewhere, ideally traveling to people’s homes to care for their physical needs. This way, I’ll have something to support myself.
I still haven’t dealt with the loss of my parents, my husband, or my father-in-law. It’s just been putting up a wall and going on to the next person who needs help. It’s very taxing and emotionally draining. You do what you have to do to get through the day and go on to the next one. I have a new granddaughter, who has been the light of my life.
I tell people that when you’re 18, buy long-term care insurance. By the time you need it, you won’t be able to afford it. I’m 54 and can’t pay $800 a month. I’m better off being a Medicaid recipient so I don’t have to worry about nursing homes. It’s important to stay close to your family because you’re going to need them. It goes a long way for mental health.
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