Growing up, many girls are taught to be quiet, modest, helpful, and agreeable. Only then are they praised for being a “good girl”—or really, for accommodating those around them, even at their own expense.
This deep conditioning often plagues women into adulthood, showing up in their close relationships, careers, and even self-worth. Betraying yourself to make someone else happy or comfortable is not an act of love; it’s blatant self-disrespect and a direct result of “good girl syndrome.”
Are you tired of neglecting your own desires and needs while getting nothing in return? Here’s what you should know about good girl syndrome—and how to finally drop the act.
What Is Good Girl Syndrome?
According to Bonnie Lambert, PMHNP-BC, LPC, a board-certified Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner and Licensed Professional Counselor, “‘Good Girl Syndrome’ refers to an informal pattern of behavior where being liked, reliable, and pleasant (agreeable) are valued over being completely truthful with your emotions or boundaries.”
Though many children are taught to behave this way, the conditioning is especially common in girls—and, as a result, in women who have learned self-sacrifice as their default. This is why so many women struggle with the tendency to people-please.
“It can be helpful to understand that while kindness is always a choice, in people-pleasing, there is usually some level of obligation involved,” says Lambert.
Dangers of Good Girl Syndrome
Being the “good girl” often means neglecting your own wants, needs, values, goals, and pleasure to make other people happy. Women will often swallow their own discomfort while tolerating others’ disrespect or betrayal, simply because they don’t want to rock the boat. Yet, the people actually doing the rocking are usually the ones women are accommodating.
For instance, let’s say your boss won’t stop making inappropriate comments to you, but you don’t want to “start trouble” by reporting him. So instead, you continue dealing with his advances and swallow your own discomfort. Of course, this is a more extreme example, but it’s one I’ve personally endured at a summer job back in college, and one that many women can relate to.
However, while good girl syndrome often benefits those around us, that isn’t always the case. Sometimes, this behavior can damage our closest relationships and the people closest to us, too.
“One of the less talked-about dangers is ‘self-silences,’” Lambert points out. “If someone has consistently downplayed their frustrations, disagreements, or personal needs in conversation with others, they will likely be perceived by others as having no concerns. This creates an obvious disconnect for both parties.”
“The individual who self-silenced may feel unheard, yet the individuals surrounding them may have absolutely no idea what was going on with the person they felt heard from,” she continues. “As such, unexpressed resentment can develop due to needs that were never voiced.”
How to Drop the ‘Good Girl’ Act
It’s time for women to resign from the “good girl” role we’ve been conditioned to play for decades. However, doing so might not be as simple as you’d like. In fact, it might take some time to adjust.
“One way to become more self-aware is by practicing the ability to accept others’ small disappointments,” Lambert says. “Be respectful—you don’t have to make everyone happy. Practice responding honestly (and simply) instead of automatically agreeing. Permit yourself to have your own preferences.”
“Authenticity starts to happen once you understand it’s okay for a relationship to hear ‘No,’” she concludes.
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