Wanting to be happy is the most human thing there is. The research on how to actually get there is both obvious and counterintuitive.
A new paper in Trends in Cognitive Sciences by UC Berkeley researcher Iris Mauss and Brett Ford at the University of Toronto examines a frustrating little paradox. The harder people chase happiness, the worse they can feel. Mauss and Ford argue that people don’t screw it up by wanting happiness. The trouble comes somewhere between wanting it and trying to force every experience into producing it.
They break the process into five pieces.
1. Give yourself permission to want it
Wanting to be happy is fine. Even trying hard to get there isn’t automatically a recipe for misery. Things go south when happiness becomes another thing you think you’re supposed to be succeeding at.
A bad day doesn’t mean you failed at being happy. Neither does feeling pissed off, lonely, bored, or disappointed when the circumstances call for it.
2. Adjust what you’re feeling without faking it
Emotions aren’t completely beyond our control, but nobody needs to pretend a shi**y thing was secretly wonderful either. Cognitive reappraisal, a well-established psychological strategy, involves looking at what happened again before letting your first interpretation take over.
Maybe the irritating comment at dinner was meant as an insult. Maybe you’re tired and heard it that way. The idea is to give yourself enough room to tell the difference.
3. Check in with yourself
Mauss and Ford recommend periodically noticing how you’re doing while you’re in the middle of an experience. Nothing elaborate. Are you enjoying yourself? Are you irritated? Did one crappy moment swallow an otherwise decent night?
That little check can prevent one emotion from becoming the official review of the whole evening.
4. Let imperfect be enough
Sometimes it’s better to just let a bad feeling be bad for a minute. A meta-analysis in Psychological Bulletin found mindfulness-based interventions were linked with fewer negative emotions across a range of people.
A good day can contain a bad hour. Dinner can be great even if somebody says something dumb. Happiness doesn’t require every minute to be perfect.
5. Read the room
Context is the last piece, and it’s an important one. Some experiences simply aren’t supposed to feel good. Trying to squeeze happiness out of grief, anger, or something painful can become another way of avoiding what’s happening.
Mauss and Ford also use a broad definition of happiness that includes pleasure, satisfaction, meaning, and purpose. Those don’t necessarily always happen together. Getting through something difficult with a sense that it meant something can count too.
Their larger point is human and forgiving. You don’t have to be happy all the time to be good at being happy.
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