Sorry to have to break it to you guys, but summer is officially on its way out. And, apparently, there’s no better way to acknowledge that than by celebrating everybody’s least favorite holiday. Sure, we like to tell ourselves that Labor Day is about the workers, but let’s be real: It’s just another reason to get drunk and barbecue.
The fun holidays that call for goofy outfits and decorations are still a little ways away, so to tide you over until then, here’s an early gift from us to you: a selection of Labor Day-themed jokes from some of the biggest names in comedy…
10. DANA CARVEY
“Happy Labor Day! This national holiday was officially proclaimed in 1864 as a tribute to 19th-century workers, who often faced 12-hour days, seven days a week, with low pay and physically demanding work. With no social media, they were probably happy, carefree, and enjoying working 84 hours a week.”
9. BILL ENGVALL
“Just wanted to wish you all a very happy Labor Day. Been around since the 1800s. I believe it was Calvin Coolidge who actually enacted the Labor Day holiday. But my thing is, why give me a day off? Just give me a big bump in my salary.”
8. CONAN O’BRIEN
“One day, my grandchildren are going to ask me, ‘Grampa, what did you do during the Labor Day Mattress Sale Wars of ‘16?’”
7. LEWIS BLACK
“I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day.”
6. DAVID LETTERMAN
“[Bill] Clinton attended a Labor Day barbecue. Clinton loves barbecues. It’s the only time he can grab a breast and a thigh without getting impeached.”
5. JEFF ROSS
“Everyone makes fun of [Jerry Lewis], but what about the good things that Jerry Lewis does? What about the fact that just this past Labor Day, a six-year-old boy got up out of his wheelchair and walked for the first time to turn off the Jerry Lewis telethon?”
4. JIM GAFFIGAN
“Tomorrow is Labor Day, a moment for us to recognize the many contributions workers have made to America’s strength, prosperity, and well-being. It’s an important day. It’s also a three-day weekend, which on the surface sounds amazing. Who doesn’t want another day in the weekend? Well, I don’t … If it’s a normal weekend, like God intended, I don’t have to do anything. But you add just one day more to a weekend, and suddenly I’m hosting a barbecue?”
3. BILL BURR
“Is it Labor Day around the world? If it is, Happy Labor Day to all of you guys out there, especially the ones that make all of our clothes. Everybody in the First World out there, come on, let’s have a nice round of applause for the six-year-old in El Salvador who made your little cargo pants that you’re walking around the cookout with right now.”
2. PHYLLIS DILLER
“Labor Day has something to do with labor. You know, like, unions, and people who work, and plow, and slave, and do all that work. And I thought it had something to do with women and babies. I thought it was my day, you know? I was out in the street screaming and carrying on.”
1. WILL ROGERS
“Tomorrow is Labor Day—I suppose set by act of Congress. Everything we do nowadays is either by or against acts of Congress. How Congress knew anything about labor is beyond us.”
The post 10 Hilarious Labor Day Jokes From Some of the Funniest Comedians Ever appeared first on VICE.
