Ask someone what they’re bad at, and they usually don’t need much time to think. They’ve got material. Ask what they’re good at, and suddenly there’s a pause, some throat-clearing, maybe a modest little answer about being “pretty organized.” Unfortunately, self-criticism comes with excellent recall.
That may have something to do with how we’re taught to evaluate ourselves. Psychology Today notes that years of feedback about what needs fixing can make our strongest qualities harder to recognize. The VIA Institute on Character has given its free strengths assessment to over 35 million people worldwide, suggesting that many of us could use some help figuring out what we bring to the table.
1. The Flaw Doing Double Duty
Some criticism deserves a second inspection. Joel Wong, a counseling psychology professor at Indiana University, writes in Psychology Today that weaknesses can act like a shadow attached to a strength. Precision can make somebody rigid. High standards can make them abrasive. Persistence can become stubbornness when everyone else would very much like to go home.
There’s no need to romanticize every irritating thing about yourself. Sometimes a bad habit is just a bad habit. But the complaints that keep following you around can be more complicated. “Too intense,” “too picky,” “too stubborn” may also describe the reason you notice things other people miss or refuse to do sloppy work.
2. The Worry That Earns Its Keep
Anxiety sucks. We talk about it like something that barges in, ruins the evening, and needs to be escorted from the premises. Wellesley College psychologist Julie Norem has spent decades studying defensive pessimism, a strategy in which people imagine what could go wrong before a high-pressure situation so they can prepare for it.
“People who are anxious do better when they use defensive pessimism than when they try to be optimistic,” Norem told The Globe and Mail. Anyone who’s arrived at the airport three hours early with printed confirmations in two separate bags probably recognizes this. The better question might be what the worry is doing for you before deciding it’s useless.
3. The Talent Trapped in the Wrong Room
Sometimes the trait itself is fine. The room is wrong. Someone who can talk to strangers for 20 minutes and walk away knowing their divorce history, dog’s name, and preferred bourbon could be excellent in sales. Put that person alone in front of repetitive data entry all day, and somebody could eventually write “easily distracted” on an evaluation.
The VIA Character Strengths Survey can give you a starting point, but other people can help too. The catch is that those closest to you might be the least impressed by what comes naturally. A newer friend, mentor, therapist, or coach may notice the thing everyone else stopped seeing years ago because, to them, you’ve always been able to do it.
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