Over the last year, I’ve received more diagnoses (and suspected ones as well) than I know what to do with, some impacting my mental health, fertility, and overall quality of life. That being said, I don’t like to play victim to these conditions, as they’re merely an experience rather than an identity to assume.
But at the same time, I’d be lying if I said I could operate like the average healthy 30-year-old woman. My flare-ups can be pretty severe (and sometimes even dangerous), so I’ve learned about the importance of boundaries, rest, and emotional peace.
Unfortunately, this has put a strain on some of my closest relationships. I’ve had to cancel plans at the last minute due to my symptoms, turn down the girls’ weekend trip thanks to financial stress from medical bills, and I simply haven’t been able to show up for my people as much as I’d like to. I’m lucky enough to have understanding and supportive friends and family in my corner, but not everyone can say the same. In fact, I’ve even dealt with some uncompassionate (to put it lightly) individuals in my own life who’ve caused me more stress, guilt, and shame than I deserved.
You know what they say: Your true friends are revealed when you’re at your lowest.
If you’re sick yourself, you likely know how isolating, stressful, and anxiety-inducing it is to live with a chronic illness. The last thing you need is someone who demonizes you for taking care of yourself and prioritizing your health.
“Living with chronic illness can be extremely challenging, because of the illness as well as the consequences of the illness,” Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD, clinical psychologist and physical therapist who specializes in helping people with chronic illness and chronic pain, told VICE. “Those consequences can often include a sense of profound loneliness, even when people are around.”
Wondering whether the people in your life are harming you more than helping? Here are three signs that a loved one is not supportive of your chronic illness.
1. They Constantly Attempt to ‘Fix’ You
While many assume it’s helpful to offer solutions to someone’s illness, it can actually feel invalidating on the receiving end. Odds are, I’ve already tried or considered the risks of all the treatment options you could spew at me. Cutting out sugar or meditating three times a day isn’t going to magically cure me.
“It is intended to be helpful, but to the person with a chronic illness, it can make it sound like you are questioning their treatment or suggesting they should do more,” Lombardo says.
For example, I have an incredibly rare (or under-recognized) and complex condition, and you wouldn’t believe the unsolicited and irrelevant advice I hear from random people in my life. When it’s done with love, I can look past their ignorance on the topic and recognize the good intentions behind their input. But when it’s done in an invalidating or condescending manner, I immediately end the conversation.
2. They Minimize Your Experience
For over seven years, I fought tooth and nail to receive the diagnosis I finally have. Needless to say, I’ve become immune (pun intended) to my symptoms being dismissed, minimized, or even blamed on stress. However, I simply will not entertain that response anymore.
“Comments such as ‘You don’t look sick,’ or ‘at least it’s not worse’ minimize what the person is experiencing,” says Lombardo. “You have no idea how tough it can be, even if things ostensible look OK.”
3. They Question Your Limits
One of the most destabilizing parts of having a chronic illness—at least in my case—is the quick shifts in energy levels. I can hike 5 miles, lift at the gym, and wind down with yoga one day, but barely make it through a leisurely mile walk the next day.
“The symptoms of chronic illness often vary from day-to-day and even throughout the day,” Lombardo points out. “Comments such as ‘you could do it yesterday’ often make the patient feel inadequate.”
In the past, when someone would question my limits, I would immediately do the same. I’d begin second-guessing myself and my symptoms, wondering if I was making it up or “doing it to myself,” so to speak.
It has taken a lot of work in therapy to unlearn this self-gaslighting and actually tend to my needs. If someone is causing you to ignore your own body’s cues, perhaps it’s best to step away from that relationship.
The post Chronic Illness Is Hard Enough. These Are 3 Signs Someone in Your Life Is Making It Worse. appeared first on VICE.
