My daughter is heading off to college in Southern California in late September, and I’m doing what I suspect many parents do when a child reaches this milestone: trying to be genuinely excited while quietly wondering how I’m supposed to get used to an emptier house.
So last month, I took her on a “collegemoon” to celebrate everything she had accomplished — and, perhaps selfishly, to soak up some time together before she leaves home.
What I didn’t expect was how that trip would make me even more anxious about her next steps.
We took a trip to celebrate all of her hard work
My daughter had earned this celebratory trip. She graduated with a GPA over 4.0, but that number doesn’t really tell the whole story.
During her junior and senior years of high school, she took all of her classes at our local community college, ultimately earning two associate degrees alongside her high school diploma. Watching her juggle college-level coursework, babysitting 20 hours a week, and being a teenager was one of those parenting experiences that was both exhausting and exhilarating.
I was incredibly proud of her, and I wanted to mark the occasion with something bigger than a dinner out or a graduation party. So we went to Europe.
We got to be just mom and daughter
For a week, we traveled the Croatian coast, stopping in beautiful seaside towns and ancient cities before spending a few days in Venice. While I braced myself for the possibility that she might not be thrilled about spending that much uninterrupted time with her mother, she was an absolute delight.
She willingly joined me for early-morning walking tours through ancient cities, even when I’m sure sleeping in would have been the more appealing option. We wandered narrow streets, ate far too much gelato, and had the kind of long conversations that don’t seem to happen at home with siblings and schedules bearing down.
On this trip, we simply got to be together.
Then the reality of her leaving hit me hard
I had thought this trip would make me feel better about her leaving. Instead, it made the impending separation feel much more real.
There’s a particular kind of anticipatory grief that comes with watching your child prepare to leave home. She isn’t going anywhere bad. In fact, she’s headed toward exactly what we’ve spent years hoping for: a college experience where she can grow, meet new people, become more independent, and figure out who she is outside our family.
I know I’m supposed to be excited. And I am. But somewhere between walking through ancient Croatian cities and sitting beside her on the ship, I realized just how much I’m going to miss the person she is right now.
The strange thing about parenting is that you spend years encouraging your children to become independent, and then one day you realize they actually are.
I’m learning that being proud and sad can coexist
The collegemoon was supposed to be a celebration of her next chapter. Instead, it became a reminder of how much I’ll miss this one. And maybe that’s OK.
If anything, our week in Europe made me grateful for the years that got us here — and for the fact that, before she left, I got one more really great adventure with her.
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