Most jobs can be exhausting, frustrating and, at times, soul-sucking. But there’s usually one saving grace that can make even the longest Monday feel a little lighter: your favorite co-workers.
Born from proximity, shared frustrations and the daily grind of showing up together, workplace friendships have become one of the most common — and organic — ways adults build community. “We spend so many of our waking hours at work that it is very likely there will be people who you have similar interests with that could become a good part of your support system,” said psychologist Joy Harden Bradford, founder of the mental health platform Therapy for Black Girls.
But while it’s often easy to start these relationships, it may be harder to deepen them. The reality is that moving from “the person I sit next to” to someone you’d actually text or hang out with on a Saturday requires a different level of trust and vulnerability, Bradford said — one that can feel tricky to navigate in a professional setting.
Unlike connections that form elsewhere, workplace relationships come with extra risks. There’s always the question of what’s appropriate to share, whether revealing more of your outside-of-work personality could become tomorrow’s workplace gossip and how power dynamics might complicate even the most genuine bond. It’s also scary to put yourself out there and get rejected (even if it’s just platonically) by someone you’ll have to face every day.
But even so, Bradford believes the well-researched benefits of these relationships (greater job satisfaction, lower stress and better overall well-being) outweigh the potential downsides, so long as you build them thoughtfully, gradually and with clear boundaries.
Here are a few low-pressure ways to grow a workplace friendship into a real one.
Decide whether a workplace friendship is right for you — and choose carefully
The first thing to keep in mind is that you’re at work. You can go in, collect your paycheck, build friendly but professional relationships and be no worse off if you exit without making a bestie for life.
“There is real benefit to being friendly and kind of seen as relatable,” Bradford said. “But I do think you want to be more judicious in terms of actually befriending people who you work with.”
That’s worth remembering if you’re feeling pressured to make friends at work: You don’t have to, especially if it’s someone who reports to you or you to them. “If your livelihood depends on whether you stay friends with this person or not, that may not be a chance that you want to take,” Bradford said. “That may be somebody you are more cordial with versus somebody you’re super disclosing with.”
And if what you’re looking for are platonic relationships in general, you can meet people through apps like Bumble BFF or through clubs, classes and other communities.
Once you’ve considered those trade-offs and decided there’s a colleague you wouldn’t mind getting to know better, try the following.
Share something you’d normally tell a friend
Transitioning from work friends to personal ones requires, as you might guess, getting more personal.
The challenge, though, is knowing how to move past the small talk without oversharing, said Suzanne Degges-White, chair of the department of counseling and higher education at Northern Illinois University and co-author of “Toxic Friendships: Knowing the Rules and Dealing with the Friends Who Break Them.”
Vulnerability is what allows friendships to deepen, but workplace ones demand a bit more discernment. You want someone to know you beyond your career title without crossing boundaries that could complicate your professional relationship later on.
One way to do that is to listen for little openings in the conversation. “Of course, we all love to be asked questions,” Degges-White said — which is why, instead of stopping at what they did over the weekend, go deeper.
If they recently traveled to visit family, for instance, ask whether they grew up there. Are they close with their siblings? Would they ever move back? Or if they mention a life stage you can personally relate to — getting engaged, starting a family or becoming an empty nester — lean into that shared point of connection. Compare notes, swap stories or tap into their experience. (Did you also find the wedding planning to be super stressful? Oh, let me know if you need any baby stroller recommendations!)
And give them material to work with, too. As trust grows, you can decide together (implicitly and eventually) if more sensitive topics like your dating life or confidential career complaints are worth opening up about.
Create a reason to exchange phone numbers
Moving off Slack or email may seem like a small step. However, swapping phone numbers often represents a subtle turning point, according to Degges-White.
Practically speaking, it provides a private space to stay in touch where you don’t have to worry about who’s monitoring your messages, taking off the pressure and allowing you to just be yourself. More importantly, Degges-White said, it shifts the connection from one built on convenience to one sustained by choice.
“It can cement the sense that, ‘Okay, there might be a friendship here,’” she said. “‘There might be something deeper here, and we’re not just going to be work buds.’” Once that happens, there’s room for small gestures that deepen friendships over time: sending a funny meme that reminds you of them, sharing a restaurant recommendation or texting “How’d it go?” after an upcoming date they mentioned.
Of course, there’s the slightly awkward part: actually getting their number. Luckily, you don’t have to make it a “thing.” If you’re both watching the same show, you could say something like, “You have to text me what you think after this episode. What’s your number?” And if you’ve already established comfortable rapport, a simple “I’m much better at texting than Slack” is a pretty natural segue.
Make plans outside of the office
Proximity may be what brings colleagues together, but it’s not necessarily what keeps them close. Think about the classmates you saw every day in school but rarely speak to now or the neighbor you greeted each morning for years without ever becoming actual friends.
“When you’re at work, that relationship can be really strong. It can feel good,” Degges-White said. But in these professional settings, you’re stuck seeing watered-down versions of each other — how they are in meetings, the hobbies they share when they know their manager might be watching.
Spend time together elsewhere, and you’re more likely to ditch part of the work persona and see their unfiltered self, Degges-White said: “something that you share between you that is more than just physical space.” Maybe they’re much funnier than you realized, have a colorful group of friends you’ve never heard about or tell stories they’d never think to share in front of other colleagues.
But there’s another reason getting together after-hours matters. According to Bradford, lasting bonds require choosing to hang out — when you don’t technically have to or aren’t being paid to.
So don’t wait for the next happy hour to do the work for you. Grab lunch or coffee down the block on Tuesdays instead of eating in the break room. Suggest a pre- or post-work activity based on something they’ve mentioned enjoying — a workout class, a new movie or a Saturday farmers market outing.
Define what stays personal and what stays professional
Even after a workplace friendship becomes a genuine one, an important reality remains: You’re still colleagues.
There will be moments when your professional roles need to come first, such as when you have to give critical feedback or you’re competing for the same promotion.
Rather than pretending these potential conflicts don’t exist, Bradford said, acknowledging them early on can actually strengthen your friendship. Be up-front about what information has to stay confidential. Agree not to gossip about certain co-workers. Recognize that supporting each other as friends doesn’t mean ignoring your responsibilities as colleagues.
Those boundaries may feel awkward and unnatural to implement, but “having those kinds of conversations in the beginning lays the groundwork for you to have less difficulty and messiness as the relationship continues,” Bradford said.
It’s that kind of intentionality that separates a casual, convenient desk buddy from a lifelong fixture in your life — one who outlasts career changes or the stressful days that you brought you together.
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