We all know that boundaries are important self-protective tools, but can they become too strict, controlling, or avoidant? Many people claim they’re setting boundaries when, really, they’re just attempting to manipulate those around them or avoid accountability altogether.
So how do you know the difference between a true, healthy boundary vs. one that’s gone too far? I spoke with a therapist to gain expert insight on this topic.
What Even Is a Boundary?
According to Tammy Nelson, PhD, licensed psychotherapist and consultant for Ashley Madison, “A boundary defines what I will or won’t participate in, what I feel comfortable with, and what I need to feel safe and respected in a relationship.”
In other words, boundaries are more about you as an individual—what you’re willing to tolerate or accept in your relationships—than about other people in your life.
“Personal boundaries can change over time,” Nelson adds. “By nature, they should have some flexibility.”
Boundaries are self-protective in nature. We can’t force anyone to do, say, or behave as we might want them to, and it’s not our right to do so. What we can do is communicate what we need to feel respected and safe, and walk away if someone pushes back.
When Boundaries Are Self-Serving, Not Self-Protective
Nelson stresses the fact that boundaries are entirely different than rules. Unfortunately, many people use the two terms interchangeably.
“A rule is one person dictating what another person is or isn’t allowed to do,” she says. “A boundary can become controlling when it is used to manage or manipulate another person’s behavior.”
For example, one of the first things that comes to mind is a controlling partner who attempts to dictate what you wear and who you’re friends with. While you can (and should!) set a boundary about what makes you feel comfortable and respected in your relationship, your goal should never be to control your partner or mold them into someone you love.
“Boundaries can cross from self-protective to toxic when they become overly controlling,” says Nelson. “Telling another person what they can and can’t do also means someone has to monitor whether the rule has been broken. Suddenly, one partner becomes the detective or parent in the relationship rather than an equal participant.”
Additionally, boundaries can be used as a way to avoid conflict and accountability in relationships/friendships. I once knew a friend of a friend who would wreak absolute havoc in her social groups, stirring the pot and causing drama like it was a full-time job. She’d shit-talk, name-call, and borderline bully the people in her circle individually. But any time they would attempt to talk to her or defend themselves, she would tell them: “I am not engaging in this conversation. That’s my boundary.”
And sure, no one can force someone else to partake in a discussion they don’t want to have. But in this case, it was clear the individual was attempting to avoid accountability while continuing to spew negativity and verbally attack other people.
“Healthy boundaries, when taken to an extreme, can be a way of avoiding any form of discomfort or accountability that comes with being vulnerable and having relationships,” says Jonathan Goelz, LCSW, Executive Director of All in Solutions. “I have noticed that some individuals call ‘cutting off,’ ‘punishing’ another person, or simply refusing to talk with them, ‘keeping the peace.’ When we really look closely at these behaviors, however, we find that they do not allow for any opportunities to repair or resolve issues in our relationship.”
Setting Healthy Boundaries
If you want to establish healthy boundaries in your relationships, focus more on self-protection than control or conflict avoidance.
Goelz recommends asking yourself: “Is this boundary providing a safe space for me within this relationship? Or is this boundary creating a place where I will continue to avoid engaging in the relationship?”
The post When Healthy Boundaries Become Toxic, According to Therapists appeared first on VICE.
