“So, when are you going to have another child?” I was freshly postpartum the first time I heard this question, and I couldn’t even fathom a response.
Over a year later, it’s still a question my husband and I receive frequently from family members, friends, and even strangers.
Raising kids is hard; everyone knows that. So why is there so much pressure from others to have more?
Why isn’t one enough?
I’ve previously written about how coming to the decision to become a mother at all was difficult for me. Now that my son is here, I couldn’t imagine life without him.
Raising a child in today’s economy, where both parents often have to work, the cost of food and housing is astronomical, and healthcare is unaffordable, means we are spread thinner than ever. Add in more personal variables like a small village, and I’m realizing that I’m constantly doing more with less.
The pressure from others to have more kids feels intrusive and tiring. Quips like “They need a sibling” get old fast and can be easily discredited. My child has two loving parents, grandparents, and lots of friends. Besides, I know plenty of adults who don’t have relationships with their siblings. It also isn’t my responsibility to provide my child with a built-in playmate.
I get that it’s easy for an outsider to make comments about us having more kids when they aren’t the ones taking care of them, but these remarks only give me anxiety and make me second-guess myself.
I want my child to have it all
I love giving my son 100% of my attention. When I do consider adding another child, there is no doubt my heart could make room for them, but do I want it to?
Some families may not feel “complete” until they have a certain number of kids, but I don’t feel like our family is missing anyone. My son fills my heart completely, and I want to be fully present for him, not busy tending to an infant.
I also want to have it all
This reasoning may be a bit selfish, but I don’t believe being a mother means abandoning my other identities and aspirations. I want to enjoy my life and not spend a decade of it navigating sleepless nights, toilet training, and temper tantrums.
I knew that having a kid meant sacrificing leisure time, spontaneous date nights, and weekends away. But having another means starting over and resetting the clock. I’m excited for the coming years when my son is a bit older and outings, traveling, and visits to restaurants become easier and more enjoyable again.
I have to consider our time and energy
My husband and I are older parents; he’s 40, and I’m 36. This comes with some benefits, like financial stability, but it also means our energy is limited. We are exhausted at the end of most days from chasing our toddler. Adding in a second stubborn, rambunctious tiny human sounds like a bad joke.
As an older mom, my window of opportunity to have more kids is closing. I have no desire to be a 40-year-old mom with a newborn, so that means we would have to have our second within the next couple of years. Call me crazy, but navigating a pregnancy and going through the newborn trenches again, now with a toddler, just doesn’t sound appealing.
While my husband and I aren’t 100% “one and done,” as each day passes, that reality becomes more likely. It’s our decision alone to make, without the opinion of others. I think it’s time to normalize the concept of one being enough and recognize that having an only child can be just as fulfilling, intentional, and meaningful as having a larger family.
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