Today, it seems everyone is expecting perfection from those around them, but rarely from themselves. When it comes to dating, we have ridiculously high standards for one another, from appearance and personality to communication style and availability. While respect, kindness, and love are must-haves, no partner will ever be the perfect partner.
However, there are certain behaviors worth addressing in our partners or relationships, as they can damage even the healthiest of connections. One such pattern is defensiveness. In relationships, defensiveness can quickly and unintentionally spiral into a controlling behavior or manipulative reaction.
“Defensiveness rarely controls a partner by actually telling them what they can or can’t do,” says Giulia P. Davis, LMFT, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and Founder of Mycelia Therapy. “It controls by making certain conversations so difficult that eventually the other person stops bringing them up.”
While everyone gets defensive from time to time—and some defensiveness is necessary for self-protection—too much can prevent the other person from feeling heard or understood.
Impacts of Defensiveness on Relationships
A defensive individual can unintentionally dissuade their partner from sharing concerns or starting hard conversations. It can feel intimidating, frustrating, and downright exhausting when met with denial or blame-shifting every time you voice your feelings.
“It’s common for individuals to develop habits in which they are cautious with how they express themselves in these relationships,” says Davis. “Individuals will often practice conversations before expressing them; use softer language; wait until ‘the right’ time to bring up an issue; refrain from bringing up issues because there could potentially be an argument.”
Many people in such relationships believe they are in a healthy dynamic because they “never fight!” or “rarely disagree!” Really, they’re just avoiding conflict altogether rather than resolving it.
“Sometimes, this relationship appears to have less conflict than others, but there is still resentment building as the defensive partner is shocked when they find out about an issue after many months or years of ignoring/avoiding it,” Davis explains. “This is due to the fact that the non-defensive partner has had to keep a running record of everything they did not feel safe enough to address.”
How to Address Your Partner’s Defensiveness
You might be wondering, “How could I possibly address my defensive partner without them becoming, well, defensive?” According to Davis, you should wait until after you both have calmed down before bringing it to their attention.
“I wouldn’t recommend calling someone ‘defensive’ in the middle of an argument,” she shares. “That usually just creates another argument. It’s much more productive to talk about the pattern when both people are calm.”
Davis recommends gently highlighting the behavior by sharing your experience after an argument. For example, maybe you feel that every time you voice a concern or hurt feelings, your partner denies their part in it, turning it into a fight or debate rather than a healthy, productive conversation. By sharing this with them after the fact (when you’re both no longer heated), you’re revealing your side without attacking them. Hopefully, this prevents further defensiveness.
“Then ask for something very specific,” Davis adds. “Before explaining or defending their side, can they simply acknowledge what their partner is feeling? That small change can make a big difference.”
The post This Common Habit Is Quietly Destroying Your Relationship appeared first on VICE.
