My son is 12, almost 13. I always prided myself on having an awesome relationship with him, so it’s difficult to admit that some of the stereotypical, totally natural teenage behaviors he’s starting to exhibit have hit me hard.
Our relationship has started to change as he’s grown up, and I’ve struggled with how to approach our dynamic. Mostly, it’s because I love talking to him, but as he’s become more independent, he’s been less inclined to chat.
Thinking about him from my perspective as a teacher helps
As a former middle school teacher, I realized, to my horror, that my son is now a middle schooler. One of those strange beings I used to teach every day lives with me! But this realization really helped me see that I could apply some of my classroom management skills to our situation at home.
Not every new behavior I’m noticing is worth worrying about. For instance, my son pushes the boundaries with certain things he says — like an inappropriate comment here and there — but I only choose to talk to him about things he says that truly require a conversation. Otherwise, I feel as though my silence speaks volumes.
I needed to start putting effort into his interests again
I haven’t always liked everything he’s loved. He went through dinosaurs, cars, and every major animal group, and I honestly couldn’t have cared less about most of it — but it mattered to him. And since he mattered to me, I got library books and learned all about whatever he was obsessed with.
But recently, I’ve caught myself a few times scoffing at his music or a video game he’s really into. I also think of my own dad, who routinely discouraged my musical interests at the same age. Between remembering how I once learned about every single dinosaur and remembering my own dad’s attitude toward my interests, I decided I wanted to do better.
I started asking him about his video games and watching him play, as he sometimes asks me to. Showing an interest in what he cares about goes a long way.
I’ve been surprised that my son still wants to walk with me
My son and I have always taken walks together, since he was in a stroller. Then he was a toddler holding my hand, and for a while, he was learning how to ride his bike safely next to me. Now, when I announce I’m going on my daily walk, my son still asks if he can come with me.
These walks we have are one of the few reminders I get of how we used to be before he started becoming more of a young adult. We really talk on these walks, about meaningful things, and I know he feels safe opening up. We even laugh together, which is something I think he’s become more self-conscious of doing with me as he’s becoming a teenager.
But I also get a glimpse into what our relationship might be as he continues to grow up through middle and high school. I hope and believe we will remain close, but I can feel his independence from me growing. As we talk, though he will always be my son, I am also starting to see him as a young adult, separate from me, who needs support and respect. He’s no longer a baby, but he used to be, and he used to be my baby — it can be painful to have this realization in real time.
A friend told me to think of everything I tell him as a seed
It’s excruciating for me at times when my son doesn’t want to listen to me or spend time together. At the end of the day, I’m trying to protect him, but I could talk until I’m blue in the face at times, and it still seems like he’s determined to learn for himself — even if it’s the hard way. As a mom, that’s tough.
I described this to a friend, and she gave me advice I’ve been living by for handling teenagers who don’t seem to be listening. She said to think of everything I tell him as a seed I’m planting. It might not seem like he’s listening now, but it’s important to remain persistent and to keep steadfastly planting those seeds. Because one day, they’ll sprout and he will remember the advice I gave him.
On the really trying days, remembering the seeds helps. I choose to believe that consistently showing up and planting those seeds will pay off, even if, for the time being, it seems like he isn’t always listening.
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