I consider the invention of the Squatty Potty a revolutionary, paradigm-shifting moment of genius that forever altered the course of human history. For those tragically unaware, it’s a specialized stool that tucks neatly beneath your toilet until it’s time to poop. You prop your feet on it, lifting your knees into a squat, giving them a bit of elevation, bringing you a few inches closer to the ideal pooping position, that of course being an animalistic squat like you’re some woodland beast.
For all its genius, there is one issue with the squatty potty: it isn’t chic. People who see it tucked beneath the toilet bowl know that your bowels are evacuating with ease, but they know you aren’t doing it with style.
According to USA Today and, like, everyone on the internet who suddenly started talking about it about a month ago, a company called Let Loose has finally offered a solution. It made a wearable version of the squatty potty that looks like a pair of comically enormous 1970s platform shoes. And, since we live in the age of near-fatal levels of self-aware irony, they are called S—t Shoes.
These 7-Inch Bathroom Shoes Are Built for One Thing: Pooping
S—t Shoes are seven-inch platform wedges designed not for walking (please, never step outside of your bathroom with them) but for planting beside the toilet and resting your feet on while seated. All the benefits of a Squatty Potty-like device, with the style of a short woman trying to look fashionable as she peeks over a crowd of tall people at a Deee-Lite concert, but while pooping.
The platform shoes mimic a squatting posture that strengthens the anorectal angle, thereby reducing the need to strain and potentially making bowel movements easier. If you’ve been struggling to poop at Studio 54, your prayers have been answered.
The Internet has apparently gone wild for them, as the $69 patent-pending shoes quickly sold out and remain sold out as I write this, with the website proudly claiming that the “First Drop Sold Out In Seven Days,” but you can pre-order the next drop.
You could just eat more fiber, exercise, drink more water, and maybe even get yourself a significantly less expensive Squatty Potty. Or an even cheaper knockoff of a Squatty Potty. But if you’re the kind of person who prefers to squeeze every last bit of flair and panache out of everything in your home as you squeeze every last bit of fecal matter out of your bowels, then I guess the S—t Shoes were made for you.
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