Read the President’s Trumpy New Take on the Ten Commandments

Let me start with why I am qualified to write about religion. I’m Jewish. I’ve dated a Mormon, a Muslim and a Scientologist—and I’ve married a shiksa. I went to a Catholic college with my friend Bobby Prevost, who the rest of you know as Pope Leo. Who better than me to update the Ten Commandments? Well, it turns out there is someone—President Donald Trump.

For he is a man of endless faith (in himself). He is a man who has plans to transform the pearly gates into a wrought gold doorway that opens into the Trump Celestial Golf Club even as he worries publicly about getting into heaven—but wait, he was just joking, as he told Fox News in a new interview. Or was he?

Well, just to be sure, he is now also a man who has come up with what is called God’s Project 2025, a new improved message from the mountain:

THE BIG BEAUTIFUL TEN COMMANDMENTS

And please note, based on my bar mitzvah and Augustinian training, these come with my commentary.

Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump gestures after speaking at a campaign rally on October 19, 2024, in Latrobe, Pennsylvania. Win McNamee/Getty Images

O.G. COMMANDMENT: I am the LORD your God; you shall have no other gods before me.

NEW AND IMPROVED: I am TRUMPLORD, your President; you shall have no Presidents after me.

Let’s be honest: Did God solve the border crisis? Did God create 60 million new jobs just last month? Did God help the Phillies win despite my non-stop asking him too? That’s a big triple no-no-no. That’s why we need to recognize the only infallible Supreme Being there is.

O.G. COMMANDMENT: You shall not make idols.

NEW AND IMPROVED: You shall buy meme coins with my likeness as they are a great investment.

Instead of telling people what not to do—shrill Democrat lecturing!—the President has given us positive guidance. These new commandments let us know what we can and should do. Based on this I have not only sold all my stupid stocks in Apple and Nvidia, but have now invested in those great new Trump Labubu dolls. (My favorite is the ICE Barbie model with the interchangeable Karoline Leavitt lips.)

O.G. COMMANDMENT: Thou shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.

NEW AND IMPROVED: Thou shall not take the name of me, your President in vain.

This one is easy to understand. And you better follow it because if you make fun of you know who, the FCC will smite you down.

President Donald Trump speaks to reporters as he arrives at Palm Beach International Airport on October 31, 2025 in West Palm Beach, Florida. Trump is spending the weekend at his Mar-A-Lago estate. Samuel Corum/Getty Images

O.G. COMMANDMENT: Remember to keep holy the LORD’s Day.

NEW AND IMPROVED: Remember to keep holy the birthdate of the TRUMPLORD.

Which is June 14, President Trump’s birthday. And anyway, has anyone ever really kept Sunday holy? Unless you count watching an NFL doubleheader as “holy,” I don’t think so.

O.G. COMMANDMENT: Honor your father and mother.

NEW AND IMPROVED: Honor your father and mother, but also your father’s younger second wife, third wife, and so on.

We need to be real as to what truly matters in 2025: New young mommies and rich old sugar daddies.

O.G. COMMANDMENT: Thou shall not kill

NEW AND IMPROVED: Thou shall not kill.

This one is actually a keeper… which is why we need to look at Hillary’s alibi on the night of Jeffrey Epstein’s death.

Donald Trump with his then-girlfriend (and now wife), Melania Knauss, Jeffrey Epstein, and Ghislaine Maxwell. — From left: Donald Trump, Melania Trump, Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell. Davidoff Studios/Getty Images

O.G. COMMANDMENT: Thou shall not commit adultery

NEW AND IMPROVED: Thou shall not commit adultery. But it’s not adultery if you pay for it with campaign funds.

(That’s a business transaction. And probably a write-off too.)

O.G. COMMANDMENT: Thou shall not steal

NEW AND IMPROVED: Thou shall do whatever is good for my family’s business.

Stealing is bad. But making deals with people who want government contracts and accepting their cash for a new ballroom or a new Air Force One is 100% fine. In fact, it’s to be encouraged. Think of this as more than a commandment—it’s an opportunity that is based on that other Holy Book, The Art of the Deal.

O.G. COMMANDMENT: Don’t bear false witness against your neighbor.

NEW AND IMPROVED: Don’t bear false witness against your President.

First off, it’s clear that we should only believe what is on Truth Social. I mean it has “truth“ in its name. Plus I think we can all agree that the whole “neighbor” thing is confusing. I mean what is the definition of neighbor? Was it “neighborly” behavior when that strumpet next door told my wife she saw me looking in her window when she got out of the shower with the blinds not drawn, which I clearly was not doing? I don’t think so.

President Donald Trump waves to members of the media as he walks towards Marine One on the South Lawn of the White House on February 28, 2025 in Washington, D.C. Andrew Harnik/Getty Images

O.G. COMMANDMENT: Do not covet your neighbor’s house.

NEW AND IMPROVED: Coveting is good.

The President is basing this new commandment on the words of the profit Gordon Gekko. And by the way, that is a much better spelling of prophet. It is always okay to covet someone else’s possessions—it gives us generational wealth which is very important to Don Jr., Eric and the other one who doesn’t really count. And by the way I was not coveting my neighbor when she “allegedly” saw me looking in her window when she got out of the shower with the blinds not drawn. I was making sure she didn’t slip in which case I would have rushed to her assistance despite that stupid “stay 100 yards away” court ruling.

And because these are the new, bigger and better commandments, there is now an addendum: Thou shall abolish the two term limit so he can rise again.

So folks, that’s it, all you need to have a happy life on earth—and ensure you get into heaven where you will spend eternity with the two greatest men who ever lived.

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