I’ll never forget hanging out with a group of friends in college when one of my friends brought his new girlfriend along. She was sweet, bubbly, and extremely intelligent—the perfect match for him, I’d thought. When I told my friend how great I thought the girl was, he told me: “Yeah, I like her ‘cause she’s low-maintenance. It’s great.”
Immediately, this didn’t sit right with me. There were a million reasons he could’ve listed for liking her, but he chose “low-maintenance” as the main compliment? I asked him what he meant by that, and he said, “She accommodates me and doesn’t ask for much.”
I mean, hey, that was great and all, if they were both happy with that arrangement…and, sure, being easygoing can be a positive thing. But I couldn’t help but feel sad for his girlfriend. She deserved to be praised and loved for a variety of reasons, not just because she was “easy to be with,” as he put it.
This begs the question: What exactly is a low-maintenance relationship—and when is it considered healthy vs. toxic?
What Is a Low-Maintenance Relationship?
According to Dr. Alexandra Foglia, DMFT, Director of Family Programs at All in Solutions, a true low-maintenance relationship describes “one where both partners have enough security to live their lives without constantly contacting, reassuring, or lavishly expressing love for each other.”
However, this does not mean dismissing your partner’s needs (or vice versa), nor does it mean one person carries all the weight in the relationship. Unfortunately, that’s the dynamic many people think of when they hear “low-maintenance”—similar to what my friend had described.
“The use of the term as a means of justifying lack of availability, poor communication, or one-sided efforts is a significant warning sign,” Foglia warns. “As an example, a partner may indicate they desire a low-maintenance relationship when, in fact, they wish to avoid being accountable, having difficult discussions, or developing reasonable expectations regarding their reliability. When one partner suppresses their own needs to appear ‘easy-going,’ resentment and loneliness typically develop.”
Many people claim to want low-maintenance partners or relationships, when really, they just want a partner who meets all their needs and asks for nothing in return. All relationships require effort, care, and energy to maintain.
How to Build a Healthy Low-Maintenance Relationship
A healthy low-maintenance relationship is a peaceful connection—one that doesn’t destabilize you or cause too much stress. This doesn’t mean there won’t be conflicts, disagreements, or compromise; rather, it means there’s a foundation of respect, love, and compatibility that helps the relationship thrive.
“Low-maintenance relationships based upon trust, flexibility, and an understanding that separate times will not negatively affect the relationship are considered healthy,” Foglia says. “In contrast, low-maintenance has nothing to do with the amount of care you give your partner. Rather, it refers to the level of ‘friction,’ or obstacles, in the relationship.
“One way to assess whether your low-maintenance relationship is healthy is to ask yourself: Is my relationship calm because I am feeling safe within it, or am I simply ignoring many of my important needs?” Foglia recommends. “Even though healthy low-maintenance relationships are characterized by responsiveness, repairing conflicts, collaborative effort, and open and honest dialogue regarding each individual’s needs, low-maintenance should never equate with low-investment.”
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