There’s a popular dating trend resurfacing this summer, and it’s bound to waste your time and drain your hopeless romantic heart.
“Benching” has been around for quite some time, but lately, more people are using this dating tactic to explore their options and keep some lovers on the back burner—you know, just in case they strike out with their top players and have a lonely night.
What Is Benching?
According to Val Bastien, M.S., Certified Dating & Relationship Coach at Love Lessons by Val and former Mental Health Counselor based in Boston, “Benching is a newer term for dating behavior that has existed long before the label became popular. It can also be described as being shelved, strung along, led on, or, what most people would probably recognize, put on the back burner.”
Just last week, I wrote about “roster dating,” which follows a similar premise to benching and involves playing the field. However, benching is typically a more deliberate attempt to keep someone in their back pocket, while roster dating is more about exploring different options.
“Benching is not intentional dating,” Bastien adds. “One of the worst feelings when dating is [when] one person [is] being intentional and investing emotionally, while the other person is doing the bare minimum to keep the connection available (not alive… available) without the same level of emotional investment nor the same level of intention.”
“Ultimately, the issue with benching isn’t simply that someone is dating other people, because that is ok!” he continues. “People aren’t honest about it, and that is the problem.”
How to Avoid ‘Benching’
Unfortunately, many of us have fallen victim to benching at some point in our dating lives (at least, I certainly have). And while it’s common to get to know multiple people early on in dating, this behavior can become troublesome down the line. To avoid this sorry fate, Bastien recommends prioritizing consistency over chemistry.
In the early stages of a relationship, it’s easy to harp on your newfound passionate connection while overlooking red flags. But this is the quickest way to get “played.”
“What actions are they taking in getting to know you? How well do they execute plans to see each other and hang out? Are they leaving you ‘on read’ a lot?” Bastien asks. “If someone is interested, they will show it no matter how busy they are. Attraction, of course, matters, but actions reveal intention, and that is what you need to pay attention to.”
Are You Being ‘Benched’?
Some of the core signs someone is “benching” you are inconsistency and lack of effort. According to Bastien, this can look like inconsistent communication, hot-and-cold interest (yo-yoing), poor follow-through, vague or last-minute plans, and breadcrumbing. In other words, that person isn’t prioritizing you or showing up for you in the way you deserve. They’re simply letting you warm the bench for your replacement. (Brutal, I know.)
If you experience any of these behaviors from your partner, they might be “benching” you—in which case, it’s time to stand up and forfeit the game. You don’t need to prove you’re an MVP to someone who barely gives you play time to begin with.
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