Empathy and grace are important in relationships, but sometimes, we can take them too far, neglecting ourselves in the process. This often leads to the “chill girl” persona so many women take on when dating. Of course, anyone can fall into this category, practicing more understanding for their partner than for themselves. This is a slippery slope into self-abandonment and resentment.
The ‘Chill Partner’ Trope
Too many of us—especially women—are taught to be low-maintenance lovers with few needs and a whole lot of support to offer our partners. In our desire to be liked and accepted, we quickly fall into the pattern of self-neglect and appeasement.
“When you cook with the intention of being liked, too much understanding develops,” says Dr. Gary Dillon, a licensed psychologist and founder of Ally Psychological Therapy. “A pinch of people-pleasing, a heavy pour of protecting your ‘nice’ reputation, and a splash of old survival instincts (mistaking safety for silence) all combine to create a mess of expectations that are difficult to fulfill.”
Many people associate being liked and accepted with survival. Subconsciously, rejection or judgment can feel dangerous. And so we perform “understanding” to prove our worth.
“Being ‘too understanding’ is usually image management,” says Dillon. “We are so scared of being judged, or rejected, that we lean into kindness. But it’s not because it feels natural to do; it’s just safer than being seen as difficult. So what we really think and feel gets swallowed.”
“This isn’t a personality trait for most people; it’s more so a survival mechanism,” Dillon adds. “Our past has shown us that if we wanted to remain happy, we had to keep ourselves safe, and unfortunately, no one told us that it was okay to stop.”
Are You Too Understanding in Your Relationship?
Here are some signs you’re too understanding for your own good.
You’re Compromising Your Own Values
Our values exist for a reason. Just because someone else might have different ones doesn’t mean they’re any more important than yours. However, many people are too understanding of their partner’s values while neglecting their own, straying far from their core identity, morals, wants, and needs.
“Perhaps you’ll agree to something you don’t believe or convince yourself to shift a boundary,” Dillon says. “Not because the person across from you has earned it, but because you worry that if you don’t, you’ll risk your relationship, the peace that you’ve built, or the version of you that is beloved by others. The performance of understanding is often an attempt to manage potential threats that may not even exist anymore, at least beyond your nervous system.”
You’re Prioritizing Being Liked Over Being Respected
Approval might feel like a win, but often, it comes with a host of conditions: be easygoing, don’t voice your emotions, swallow your anger, forgive the poor treatment.
As I get older, I find that I’d much rather be respected than liked.
“Being the ‘understanding one’ comes with the benefits of being seen as easy-going, low-drama, and mature,” says Dillon. “But you only get to keep that identity if you continue to allow yourself to shrink via being overly understanding.”
You’re Operating From a Place of Fear, Not Genuine Empathy
If you take a moment to reflect on what’s driving your understanding nature, you might realize that it’s actually fear with a small dash of empathy.
“Your truth may be that being nice is safer than being honest, and being understanding has become more protective than being known,” says Dillon. “But before continuing to be too understanding, ask yourself these questions: Am I doing this because it feels authentic to me, or because I still worry about the negative consequences that could follow if I don’t?”
“Your empathy isn’t genuine if you only access it when you’re avoiding risk,” he adds. “The performance of understanding is your nervous system following the path your lived experiences have placed it on. You don’t have to be the understanding one in every relationship or room. But you can learn to be the honest one in the ones that feel safe enough to do so.”
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