Men have spent an insane amount of time optimizing for the wrong things (looking at you, looks-maxxers). The hours logged at the gym, the salary flexes, the practiced swagger—and yet the discrepancy between what men assume women are looking for and what women actually find attractive remains, somehow, enormous.
The 2025 Ipsos poll numbers are almost funny. Half of young men surveyed believed physical attractiveness was women’s top priority in a partner; 39% said financial status. Women in the same poll ranked humor (60%) and kindness (53%) at the top. Those two lists have probably cost a lot of men a second date. Coaches and researchers who study this for a living keep arriving at the same conclusions.
1. Be Kind — No, Actually
Kindness might sound like a participation-trophy answer, but the research says it’s a big deal. A study published in Evolutionary Psychology analyzed dynamics among 148 heterosexual couples and found that kindness played a significant role in both initial attraction and long-term relationship satisfaction. Women tended to perceive kinder men as more intelligent, while angrier men were rated as less so—and that perception affected relationship satisfaction for both partners. So the guy leading with aloofness isn’t coming across as mysterious. Relationship expert Babita Spinelli, L.P., told mindbodygreen: “A man who can empathize with his partner’s experiences and emotions fosters a deeper connection and mutual understanding in the relationship.”
2. Confidence That Doesn’t Need a Room to Prove It
Dating coach Jamie Date, who coaches men on attraction and has amassed over 169,000 Instagram followers doing it, named confidence as one of her non-negotiables—with a caveat. “I’m talking that chill confidence,” Date said in a recent post. “You don’t need to be the loudest guy in the room, but when you walk in, people feel that vibe. You know who you are and what you bring to the table.” Spinelli made the same case, adding that genuine confidence signals a man is equipped to handle challenges and provide support, rather than creating them.
3. Make Her Laugh — But Read the Room
A good sense of humor also consistently lands near the top of every list. Jeffrey Hall, a professor of Communication Studies at the University of Kansas, published research in Evolutionary Psychology suggesting that shared laughter may be a meaningful pathway toward building a more lasting relationship. Date agrees, with one distinction: “You don’t have to be a standup comedian, but if you can make us laugh? That’s gold, especially if you can laugh at yourself.” The trap, she adds, is going too far and making yourself the butt of every joke instead of the situation. Self-deprecation isn’t cute.
4. Have Something You’re Actually Working Toward
Date draws a line between having a career and actually caring about where it’s going. “It shows us that you’re driven, and not just floating through life on autopilot,” she said. Spinelli lands in the same place—a sense of purpose “is inspiring for women, especially for those who also have a particular life vision and want a partner who can understand their own drive.”
5. Don’t Skip the Emotional Availability Part
Clinical sexologist Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D., told mindbodygreen that one of the things she hears from women constantly is how much they want their partners to emotionally connect with them, and that emotional safety leads to greater intimacy. “When we have that heart connection,” Gunsaullus said, “it’s then often easier for women to want to be open sexually.” That safety doesn’t come from grand gestures. It comes from consistency, and women have been saying so the entire time.
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