Most of us can agree that physical cheating is wrong, but when it comes to emotional cheating, many people have mixed opinions. Since there’s no physical act of disloyalty, some will simply shake it off while others will label their partner as jealous, insecure, or dramatic for voicing their discomfort. Whatever the case, emotional cheating can be incredibly painful and damaging to a relationship.
What Is Emotional Cheating?
Emotional cheating is one of the most painful forms of romantic betrayal, as it involves an actual emotional connection with another person outside of the relationship. While physical cheating is much more straightforward, emotional cheating might look different to everyone.
“I define emotional cheating as a connection or bond with another person that violates the boundaries of your relationship,” says Gabby Jimmerson, Couples Therapist, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist. “The exact parameters of what ‘counts’ as emotional cheating are going to vary from couple to couple, which is why it’s so important for partners to clearly define their expectations and boundaries—yes, even the ones that seem obvious.”
For example, some people might feel uncomfortable with their partner using an opposite-sex friend as their confidant, while others might view this as healthy. Additionally, some might think liking another person’s bikini picture or shirtless gym selfie is emotionally cheating, while others might brush it off as nothing. It completely depends on you and your partner’s boundaries within the relationship.
Emotional Cheating vs. Platonic Connection
Many people confuse platonic connections with emotional cheating, as there’s a fine line between the two. Of course, this might look different depending on the boundaries within a given relationship. Perhaps you and your partner are comfortable with each other having close friends of the opposite sex with whom you share deep conversations. Regardless, it’s both the intention and impact that matter.
“In my experience, emotional cheating doesn’t happen overnight. It usually starts as an innocent connection with a coworker or another parent at school drop-off,” says XX. “But before long, conversations become more frequent and more personal and might eventually involve sharing intimate details about the relationship or complaining about a partner.”
These types of connections start to get inappropriate when there’s hiding, lies, and disrespect involved.
“One of the biggest red flags I look for as a clinician is whether someone starts withholding details about conversations or get-togethers because they want to avoid a fight,” says XXX. “This signals to me that the person may be allowing another relationship to tend to their emotional needs rather than having hard conversations with their partner.
How Does Emotional Cheating Happen?
Unfortunately, emotional cheating is common and sometimes even downplayed. Maybe sometimes, the emotional cheater does not intentionally set out to betray their partner or develop an inappropriate relationship with someone else. But because the lines are less clear with emotional cheating vs. physical, some people fall into that pattern without realizing.
“I don’t find that the average person in this situation sets out intending to emotionally cheat. More often, the relationship slowly erodes, and the couple drifts apart, allowing the heart to seek connection elsewhere,” says XXX. “Things like chronic unresolved conflict, failing to respond to one another’s everyday bids for connection, or struggling to express appreciation and affection all chip away at the feeling of being known or valued and liked by your partner. When someone no longer feels emotionally seen in their relationship, they’re often more vulnerable to forming that connection somewhere else.”
Of course, this doesn’t make emotional cheating okay. It’s important to voice your concerns or unhappiness to your partner, so you can either work on repairing your connection or simply part ways. Cheating will never fill the void you feel, and it will only hurt everyone involved.
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