OCD affects everyone differently, and as someone who grew up with the debilitating disorder, I have cycled through countless “themes” and subsets throughout my life. Recently, one of the worst and most difficult symptoms to manage is feeling the need to filter my authentic self.
The disorder makes me doubt my own intentions or overthink how I’m being perceived. Without even realizing it, I often run my words and actions through a hypervigilant morality filter. It’s not in the healthy, think-before-you-speak/act kinda way. It’s more in the…stop letting yourself be human and only behave or talk as a perfectly put-together, hyper-self-aware person who considers every possible perspective and experience.
I’m not quite sure when this started, but I do believe social media and society’s obsession with picking everyone apart has something to do with it. I have a crippling fear of saying the wrong thing, presenting myself in a way that doesn’t actually align with my values, or really just being a human with my own personality.
OCD and the Hypervigilant Morality Filter
In many cases (and in my own case), the hypervigilant morality filter stems from a subset of OCD called “moral scrupulosity.”
According to the International OCD Foundation (IOCDF), “Moral Scrupulosity revolves around the fear that one may act in ways that are inconsistent with their own moral compass, or what they deem as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ by society’s standards.”
“As we know, OCD loves to pick on the areas of an OCD sufferer’s life that they value most, such as doing well by others,” the IOCDF reports. “If being a ‘good’ person wasn’t so important to the individual, perhaps the uncertainty of it would not be so disturbing to them. Be that as it may, where there is a seed of doubt, compulsions are all the soil, sun, and water OCD needs to grow and consume a person’s life.”
In my case, my compulsions are more mental than physical. No one can actually see what’s going on in my head: all the “checking” of my thoughts/snap judgements, the filtering of my words before carefully choosing a response in conversation, the ruminating over past actions and mistakes to convince myself I’m a horrible person who needs to be punished.
“A common and harmful compulsion that cuts across themes of scrupulosity is compulsive self-shaming/self-criticism,” the IOCDF states. “This presents as repeated self-defeating statements that serve an avoidant function of living with uncertainty.”
Mistaking OCD for Insecurity
I’ve always been averse to the idea of someone disapproving of me. When your brain (or OCD) is constantly telling you that you’re an evil person with bad intentions, even the smallest bit of criticism or rejection can trigger the fear and confirm my self-deprecating suspicions.
But this goes far beyond insecurity. It’s not a simple “I don’t feel good about myself.” It’s an irrational, persistent, and obsessive fear of being a bad person.
As the IOCDF states, the above pattern of shame and self-criticism leads to “lower mood and decreased self-worth as an added byproduct.”
One of the worst parts of having OCD is feeling like a perpetually insecure person with no sense of self. However, while general insecurity stems from low self-esteem, OCD hijacks your mind with doubt, intrusive, ego-dystonic thoughts, and chronic shame. It’s not the same as simply feeling unconfident or unsure.
OCD aside, I love who I am, I know my worth, and I have a strong sense of self. But once the disorder kicks in, it’s hard to remember who I even am beneath all the rubble. It’s hard to feel secure in yourself when your brain is constantly trying to convince you that you’re evil, abusive, manipulative, dangerous, and a host of other awful adjectives.
Labeling someone with OCD as simply “insecure” is both invalidating and even harmful, as it only fuels the shame driving the disorder.
Moral Scrupulosity and Social Anxiety
I rarely hear people talk about the connection between moral scrupulosity and social anxiety, but through therapy, I’ve realized this subset of OCD has contributed to my own discomfort in social settings.
I used to be a social butterfly who had no problem making friends and holding her own in group dynamics. Now, I’m constantly afraid I’ll say the wrong thing, hurt someone’s feelings, or do something to embarrass or “expose” myself as a “bad person.” Rather than emotionally connecting with others, which used to be one of my strengths, I stay quiet and reserved.
With OCD, I can’t seem to win. If I act confident, I’m afraid I’ll come off as conceited and rude. If I go out of my way to be nice, I’m scared I’ll appear fake or desperate for attention. If I voice a personal opinion or boundary, I’m worried I’ll come off judgemental to those with differing perspectives.
So, instead, I just isolate or go mute. This has caused a tremendous amount of social anxiety.
Exposure Therapy for Moral Scrupulosity
Anyone with OCD knows that the gold standard treatment for the disorder is exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy. When it comes to my own moral scrupulosity, I try to avoid my mental compulsions and expose myself to situations where I might come
“In short, patients will develop a hierarchy related to their scrupulous concerns and approach these triggers that provoke anxiety and uncertainty without engaging in avoidance or frantic efforts to relieve their doubt or guilt,” the IOCF explains. “These individuals must accept their actions and tolerate the possibility that they may be wrong, viewed as bad, or could be judged as immoral someday in the future.”
For OCD sufferers like myself, this often feels like emotional torture—but it’s the only way to eventually experience freedom and relief. This is why I will always say: While some might deem us “weak” for our levels of anxiety, our panic attacks, and our avoidance of certain situations, we are some of the most empathetic, resilient, and courageous people out there.
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