Macy Brittingham was lying in bed late at night in her Washington Heights apartment, doomscrolling hot takes on TikTok, when she came across a video that made her pause.
The clip was promoting an upcoming debate hosted by a group called the Critical Thinking Club. The question of the hour: “Should New Yorkers have more sex?”
An in-person philosophical discussion? She was in.
The day of the event was dreary and gray. Ms. Brittingham, 33, arrived early, grabbed a beer and sat in the second row, hoping to make a connection, as about 30 other people filed in.
In New York City, where the culture encourages swiping left and moving quickly from one thing to the next, finding meaningful in-person connection has become increasingly elusive, despite continual opportunities to meet new people. But now a growing number of new organizations, like the Critical Thinking Club, are offering low-cost, low-pressure ways of interacting with others. Participants partake in a shared activity — like structured conversation, jigsaw puzzles or sewing — that allow conversations to unfold without the “what do you do for a living” surface-level small talk that can feel dull and uninspired.
For Daniel Narain, 41, a software engineer who lives in Jersey City, N.J., chatting comes much more easily when he’s hanging out with Puzzle People of NYC, a group that works on jigsaw puzzles.
“Naturally, I’m not really a talker,” said Mr. Narain, one of the group’s original members. “I don’t go to bars or anything like that.”
He would rather focus on an activity and let the conversation flow from there.
“If you’re just kind of going in cold then, what do you really talk about?” he asked.
The group, which is free to anyone who wants to join, emerged in 2022 after some of the toughest years of the coronavirus pandemic.
“A lot of us were fed up with puzzling alone,” Mr. Narain said.
Other groups that have popped up in recent years include Reading Rhythms, where participants gather to read and discuss any book they wish, and Darn It!, a mending club in Brooklyn where participants share stories about the clothing that they’re rescuing.
“People really look forward to gathering once a month,” said Hekima Hapa, 52, a fashion designer and one of the club’s leaders. “It’s kind of like a little family reunion.”
Jillian Richardson, 32, who lives in Brooklyn, has showcased most of these groups in a newsletter called The Joy List, which curates activities that she feels offer the best chances of connection.
A community is a place where “if I didn’t show up, people would miss me,” said Ms. Richardson, who said she was very lonely when she moved to New York City in 2015.
Ask yourself: “What kind of person do you want to be?” Ms. Richardson said. Then seek activities with people who have similar values and interests.
For Sasha Raskin, 40, who lives on the Lower East Side, meeting people is the easy part.
She is outgoing and easy to talk to.
“Everyone thinks I have tons of friends,” Ms. Raskin said. “But I’m incredibly lonely.”
When she does meet someone new, it often ignites puppy-level excitement.
“We’re gonna grow old together,” she thinks.
But living out that “Golden Girls” ideal has felt out of reach for Ms. Raskin.
“It’s just too hard,” she said. Often, she forges a connection and then … nothing. “They ghost you.”
Loneliness remains pervasive in the city and elsewhere, particularly among younger adults. A 2024 report from the Harvard Graduate School of Education surveyed 1,500 U.S. adults and found that those between 30 and 44 as well as those 18 to 29 were more likely than other age group to report feeling lonely. Another study of almost 8,000 adults in eight countries found that nearly half of young adults said they were lonely.
It doesn’t help that young people are often also coping with intensifying pressure to appear perfect and fear that others are judging them.
“Significant numbers of people in their 20s are dissatisfied with their friendships,” said Richard Weissbourd, a psychologist and Harvard lecturer who studies loneliness. “They don’t really share their authentic self in relationships, and they don’t want to be vulnerable.”
Ken Litton, 32, a software engineer who dabbles in comedy, said that he created the Critical Thinking Club to help people engage in a chill discussion and laugh while they were at it.
At one point, the comedian and cartoonist Will Santino donned a monk-like hairpiece to expound on the virtues of celibacy. The actor and comedian Alana Johnson recommended the sexual position “reverse cowgirl” for quad strength (to “elongate your life,” she said) and advocated for “corporate-sanctioned bang breaks.”
Afterward, the audience broke into small groups to continue the conversation on their own.
“We need spaces where people can talk,” Mr. Litton said. Places where “they can feel comfortable and safe expressing their honest opinion.”
Ms. Raskin, who attended the Critical Thinking Club debate hoping for a substantive conversation, ended up in the same group as Ms. Brittingham.
It wasn’t long before they deviated from the night’s question and became passionate about weighty topics such as, “What is sex for?” Ms. Raskin wondered aloud whether women should opt out of the dating pool entirely.
“I think women should be going on an entire sex strike until men figure out how to actually care for us as human beings,” she said.
Ms. Brittingham shared that she was “sexually focused for a good portion of my life.” Now, she’s not going to jump into a physical relationship unless it’s really special. “Until then,” she said, “I’m chilling with my girls.”
Later, Ms. Raskin said of Ms. Brittingham, “I definitely am getting her number.”
“I basically only want to meet other angry women,” she said. “That’s the only people I like.”
It was a joke, sort of.
She has felt deep frustration with New York’s dating scene for years.
“It’s painful to keep your heart open and get your hopes up,” she said, only for a relationship to fizzle.
Eric Klinenberg, a professor of sociology at New York University, researches the benefits of social infrastructure — the places that shape our social interactions. He has found that planning and curating shared spaces, creating playgrounds or community gardens, make those spaces work much better.
Not only does the curation give you an excuse to be in a social space, but it helps build relationships.
“If you wake up in the morning, you say, ‘I want to go play mahjong or pickleball or ultimate Frisbee,’ you’re going to wind up doing things with other people who enjoy what you do,” Dr. Klinenberg said. “And, most of the time, relationships develop naturally from that.”
At the end of the Critical Thinking Club event, Ms. Brittingham and Ms. Raskin were still talking, even as the sky darkened and they were ushered back on the street.
“Do you want to walk?” Ms. Raskin asked. They set off down the block, side by side.
Weeks later, they had still kept in touch.
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