My fiancé and I do not drink alcohol. Neither of us is in recovery. We’re fine with social drinkers, but we do not enjoy being around drunk people. We have considered various options for alcohol at our wedding. A cash bar is not possible at our venue. So, we decided to have an open bar of beer and wine. Some of our guests are aware of our feelings about drinking; others are not. Is it appropriate to address the subject on our wedding website — maybe a note in the F.A.Q. section about the limited bar and our desire for guests to drink in moderation? Would that be micromanaging? We want everyone to have fun, but it would be a bummer for us if people overindulged at the reception.
BRIDE
It’s important that you and your fiancé have the wedding you want. But I doubt that a post on your wedding website will make a big difference. It can’t hurt, I suppose, but I rarely study wedding sites, aside from checking on locations, times and dress codes. And I worry that you risk sounding like scolds by asking your guests, in advance, not to drink too much — as if that were their plan.
I have a different suggestion: Rather than focusing on what you want, consider your guests’ experience. I am often invited to weddings, for instance, where I am not remotely close enough to the bridal couple to spend five or six hours celebrating their big day. (And still, I sometimes R.S.V.P. yes — out of guilt or discomfort.) That can lead to bored drinking. I have also been to cocktail receptions at weddings that drag on for hours to accommodate the bridal parties’ photo shoots. More drinking!
Now, I am not accusing you of these things. And statistically, it’s probably inevitable that a few of your guests will overindulge. But perhaps by reviewing your guest list and the schedule for the reception now, you may increase the chances of creating an event that moves along and that brings together people who are excited to celebrate you and your husband-to-be in the way that you want.
‘Don’t Want to Be a Bother’? I’ve Got Bad News …
My mother-in-law comes to visit a couple of times a year. She is lovely, and we are always glad to have her. The challenge: She is so intent on not being a bother to us that it feels like everything is a subject for debate. I can get her coffee, for instance, only if I am making some for myself. She tries to talk me out of cooking for her because it’s too much work. And she even offers to stay behind on outings that we’ve arranged especially for her because she doesn’t want to intrude on our family time. It drives me bonkers! I want her to feel at home here. What should I do?
DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
If you read my mail for a week, you would probably feel less bonkers and more grateful. I am inundated with letters from people who feel beleaguered by entitled and demanding in-laws. So, while I get the annoying aspect of your situation, a mother-in-law who tries too hard to be considerate seems benign by comparison.
Now, I don’t know if your mother-in-law dislikes making waves in general — or with you, in particular. So, why not sit down with her and your husband and, together, tell her how much you love her visits and that she should never feel as if she’s imposing because she’s a valued member of your family? It will probably make her feel terrific — even if she’s still too shy to ask for coffee.
Giving Against the Grain
In the past year, my husband and I have taken big steps to become more eco-conscious shoppers: Many of our clothes, household items and children’s toys are secondhand. We save money and live more sustainably by reducing our reliance on newly produced goods. But when it comes to gifts for our children’s friends, it doesn’t feel socially appropriate to give used toys or clothing — as much as I dislike buying new things. What do you think?
ECO MOM
I admire your family’s choices, but, as you suggest, I think you’re a few steps ahead of the broader culture. Many parents would think it was weird if you gave their children used toys or clothing as gifts. It may be better to start with conversations with your friends on the subject and see what kind of responses you get. And in the meantime, give gifts — like prepaid tickets to movie theaters or museums — that center experiences and are also sustainable.
Drop the Skin Care Routine! (And the Résumé.)
I appear five years younger than I am — 10 years younger on a good day. I’m not complaining! Still, colleagues and subordinates often suggest that I am less experienced than they are in terms of years on the job. Is there a professional and lighthearted way to correct their misconceptions?
YOUTHFUL
Impressive humble brag! You have not been specific about the context of these conversations. Still, I can’t imagine that a factual reply would be problematic: “Actually, I’ve been on the job for X number of years.” And in the interest of modesty, I would avoid any reference to your astonishingly youthful appearance.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
The post My Fiancé and I Don’t Drink. How Should We Deal With Booze at Our Wedding? appeared first on New York Times.
