“What’s your number?” has always been one of dating’s worst little trap doors.
It sounds casual. It sounds adult. It sounds like two people having a mature conversation over drinks, possibly with one of them pretending not to care. Then someone answers, someone else does emergency math behind their eyes, and the whole thing goes tense.
A new Bespoke Surgical survey of over 2,200 Americans found that people report an average of 20 lifetime sexual partners. When talking to partners, though, that number drops to about nine. Nearly three in 10 respondents admitted they’ve intentionally lowered their number. Only 4% said they’ve exaggerated upward.
People who downplay their number subtract an average of 26 partners from the truth, according to the survey. That’s no longer rounding down. That’s a full administrative decision.
VICE spoke with Dr. Evan Goldstein, founder of Bespoke Surgical, about why people are still massaging the truth in a supposedly sex-positive age. His answer was pretty simple and fairly depressing.
The survey also found that 91% of Americans believe there’s still a double standard around sexual history. That means people aren’t inventing the judgment in their heads. They know the question can come with a moral inspection.
“I think it’s a combination of both, but the bigger issue is that we’ve been conditioned to believe that a person’s sexual history says something about their value or character,” Goldstein told VICE.
That double standard has been alive and well for generations, sitting there like a moldy couch nobody has the energy to drag outside. Men can get applauded for experience. Women can get cross-examined for it. Queer people can face their own pile of assumptions, depending on who’s asking and what they already think they know.
Americans Aren’t Lying About Their Body Counts for Fun
Goldstein said lowering the number may work as “social self-protection,” rather than lying for sport. People are trying to avoid getting labeled as too promiscuous, too inexperienced, too much, too whatever the person across from them has decided to fear that week.
The survey also found big state differences. Rhode Island came in with an average of 52 sexual partners, while Utah reported nine. Goldstein said religion and cultural values can explain part of Utah’s number, but demographics, dating norms, and local attitudes all help set the tone around sex.
The question, then, is whether asking for a number helps anyone. Goldstein said the “body count” conversation can hurt relationships because it reduces a person’s sexual and romantic history to a number someone else can judge or weaponize.
Gay respondents in the survey reported an average of 85 lifetime sexual partners, compared to 16 among heterosexual respondents. Goldstein said that doesn’t automatically say anything about commitment, relationship quality, or sexual health. In many LGBTQ+ communities, particularly among gay men, he said, there can be less moral judgment around having a higher number of partners.
There are healthier questions to ask. Goldstein suggested replacing “How many people have you slept with?” with questions like, “How do you approach relationships and intimacy?” “When were you last tested?” and “What are your boundaries and expectations?”
Those questions actually tell you something useful. A number mostly tells you how much shame someone has been taught to carry into a conversation that could have been normal.
If someone has lied in a long-term relationship, Goldstein still leans toward honesty. He told us that the most open partners he sees in his practice usually have the best sex lives.
Maybe one day the “number” question will sound as outdated as it should. Until then, a lot of people will keep shaving the truth down to something they think a partner can handle.
The post Americans Say They’ve Had 9 Sexual Partners. The Real Number Is Much Different. appeared first on VICE.
