Boundaries are frequently framed as a kind of interpersonal cure-all for modern life, an answer to everything from burnout and people-pleasing to family conflict and toxic relationships.
But boundaries aren’t just another pop psychology term making the rounds on social media. They’re a foundational tool for all kinds of relationships.
“Part of being in community with others means people will ask things beyond your capacity or behave in ways that rub you the wrong way,” said Naiylah Warren, a doctor of couple and family therapy. Setting boundaries can help us communicate our needs, protect ourselves from being taken advantage of and ward off interpersonal resentment, she explained.
However, common misconceptions can keep us from using them effectively. We spoke to experts about what many people misunderstand about boundaries, what healthy ones look like and how to put them into practice.
What we get wrong about boundaries
People often think of boundaries as a means of controlling someone else’s behavior, said Minaa B., licensed therapist and author of “Owning Our Struggles.” Telling your mother-in-law which topics are off-limits. Asking your co-worker to stop texting about work on the weekends. Insisting the person you’re casually dating initiates every other hangout.
While these may be reasonable changes to want, they’re requests, not boundaries. “A request is when you ask someone to do something for you or to stop a certain behavior,” explained Minaa, whose legal name is Jessmina Archbold but goes by Minaa B. professionally. “A boundary is what you’re going to do if that request is not honored.” Think: leaving the room when she brings it up, not replying until Monday on Slack, and stepping back from inconsistent communicators.
According to Minaa, people can mistake the request part of the equation for the boundary itself and get frustrated when that alone doesn’t work. But without a consequence, people aren’t always motivated to change old habits and patterns.
Some individuals may also have a negative view of boundaries in general, Minaa and Warren point out, considering them a sign that either there’s a problem in the relationship or someone has screwed up.
But at their best, boundaries help us navigate everyday differences and lead to stronger connections and deeper understanding. “We have to get a little more comfortable with asserting our unique preferences and needs instead of assuming that other people are supposed to know better,” Minaa said.
The makings of a good boundary
Setting an effective boundary means focusing on what’s within your control — which can be more than you might think. “You can control your participation in a particular dynamic, the access that people have to you, how much you disclose, how you respond to someone else and how much you’ll put up with before walking away,” Warren said. “What you cannot control is other people.”
Sometimes boundaries can go unspoken, Minaa said. For example, you can decide not to answer calls or texts after 9 p.m. without making a public service announcement. Or you can make a request (such as to call earlier in the evening) while leaving the boundary itself implied (that you won’t pick up otherwise).
That said, it’s often easiest, kindest or most effective to make your wants and needs clear. This can be in the moment (“I’m actually not a fan of nicknames, if you could avoid calling me that”), or escalating to a larger conversation if someone pushes back or doesn’t listen. (“I’ve asked you a few times now to use my full name — if you do it again, I’ll have to cut our conversations short.”)
In some healthy relationships, boundaries could be more of a conversation than an ultimatum. “Everybody is shaped by their experiences and their environments, so there are going to be times when you and someone else have different opinions about what is normal and acceptable,” Minaa said, noting that both parties should be free to express their points of view and boundaries. Then it’s up to both of you to decide how to respond to any mismatch.
Tips for setting better boundaries
If you want to get better at expressing your personal limits, here are a few strategies experts recommend.
Repeat yourself as needed
If a boundary needs repeating, it’s not always a sign someone is being malicious or intentionally disregarding your wishes. “If you’ve been operating one way and then introduce a boundary that changes the dynamic, it’s going to be new for the person on the other end, and they might need time to adjust,” Minaa said. “Sometimes we have to say things more than once for someone to really get it.”
Minaa recommended using simple, firm phrases such as, “I’ve already told you how I feel about this — my stance hasn’t changed,” or, “Like I said, I’m going to have to step away when you talk to me like that.” According to Minaa, it can even be helpful to question why they keep crossing the line with something like, “Did you forget I asked you not to do that, or are you hoping my response will change?”
Prepare for some discomfort
An unfortunate reality of boundaries: Sometimes they’re uncomfortable to set, whether you’re anxious in anticipation or upset in the moment. For that reason, Minaa said that setting boundaries and managing discomfort go hand in hand. When you’re dysregulated — such as in fight-or-flight mode or swept up in strong emotions — you’re more likely to avoid the conversation, miscommunicate or fall back into patterns such as people-pleasing.
Before establishing a boundary, Minaa recommends taking steps to calm your nervous system, such as deep breathing, meditation, a walk, reading for a few minutes or another grounding practice.
Practice in low-stakes situations
Boundaries often come up in relationships that feel emotionally charged: a difficult family member, a demanding boss, a longtime friend. But Minaa suggests practicing assertiveness in lower-stakes situations first. Saying “No, thank you” to a perfume sample at the department store, declining an upsell at a cafe or sending food back when an order is wrong can all help you develop the skill of expressing a preference or limit out loud.
“Eventually you build a muscle that you can use in high-stakes relationships, too,” Minaa said.
Avoid sending mixed messages
According to Warren, one of the quickest ways to undermine a boundary is to enforce it inconsistently. “If you tell a friend that you’re too exhausted to talk on the phone on Mondays, but you pick up anyway, what message is that sending?” she asked.
Sticking to a boundary doesn’t mean you have to be rigid. Flexibility is fine — it just circles back to good communication. “There’s nothing wrong with saying, ‘Mondays are usually too busy to chat, but I actually have some time today. What’s up?’” Warren said.
All told, she said, good boundaries tend to come back to the golden rule: “Focusing on what you can control — which is yourself and your own behavior — is how you’ll see the most growth in your relationships and the biggest benefit to your mental health.”
The post The major mistake people make with setting relationship boundaries appeared first on Washington Post.
