Last year, I shared with the world a list of 5 Songs You Should Never Play on The Bar TouchTunes. I was motivated to do this service for the human race after witnessing a truly heinous act of TouchTunes hijacking that’s hilarious in hindsight, but was irritating as s**t in the moment.
Now, I find myself once again desperate to implore you people to stop playing certain songs that are just full-on killing the vibe. The other night, I’m sitting at the bar with a solid Southern rock lineup just setting the tone. Then, here come some clueless dunderheads playing the Barenaked Ladies and Weezer, among some other energy-diminishing tracks.
It reminded me that, while there’s nothing wrong with these particular bands on their own, sometimes there are songs you do not play on the TouchTunes. Scroll down for which ones are catching side eye no matter what.
‘Cotton-Eyed Joe’ by Rednex
The only time “Cotton-Eyed Joe” by the Rednex should ever be played is at skating rinks or baseball game filler music. It’s just such an attack on all the senses that it is never the right energy for a bar. Unless your local bar is 90s-rural-rave-themed.
‘Everybody Hurts’ by REM
If REM’s “Everybody Hurts” is playing in the bar, someone just got dumped. Bad.
Listen, that being dumped is awful, and of course, the bar is where you go to drown your sorrows. But this song is going to ruin the mood for EVERYONE. And your “misery loves company” attitude doesn’t mean you have to pull everyone else down into your pit of despair.
Instead, allow me to suggest a few alternatives: “Go Your Own Way” by Fleetwood Mac, “I Hate Everything About You” by Three Days Grace, “Nookie” by Limp Bizkit, or, hell, even “Love Hurts” by Nazareth is perfectly fine.
‘Ice Ice Baby’ by Vanilla Ice
Here’s the thing about “Ice Ice Baby”: it’s not really even remotely amusing at this point. Like, it’s worn out its welcome. When it comes on, people just roll their eyes. No one is actually engaged or captivated by this track. Just don’t.
Pretty much any black metal song
Look, I love black metal. F**kin love it. And there are absolutely certain spaces where you can have a drink while some Mayhem or Behemoth blasts through the speakers.
But when you are just patronizing a regular, ol’ corner bar, you cannot be queuing up stuff like “Armageddon Death Squad” or “We Will F**king Kill You“. It’s just not a good look.
‘Angel’ by Sarah McLachlan
Why would you ever play “Angel” by Sarah McLachlan at the bar? Seriously. Why? No one wants to be enjoying their beer and then have to sit through a nearly 5-minute song that’s gonna make them think about abused animals.
Look, I’m in no way diminishing the importance of all that. Sarah McLachlan is a saint for lending that song to the ASPCA commercials and fighting so hard to advocate for animal rights. I don’t disagree with that at all.
But please, not at the bar. Save it for the coffee shop.
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