Did you know that June 8 is National Best Friend Day? In honor of this occasion, I spoke with Julie Nguyen, a certified dating coach at Hily Dating App, about the important role our friends play in our dating lives. In fact, our friends often become the “influencers” in our dating lives.
According to a recent study by Hily, 62% of women discuss their sex life with their best friend, and 58% have asked a friend whether something in their sex life was normal or a red flag. On the otherh and, only around 36% of men do the same.
However, this influence sometimes causes daters to keep information from their friends. The Hily study also found that nearly 3 in 5 women hide details about who they’re dating from their best friend, particularly for fear of judgment.
This begs the question: how can we create a more supportive yet non-enabling space for our friends to openly share their dating experiences? Nguyen shares her thoughts below.
Why Women Hide Dating Details From Friends
Many women fear being judged for or highly influenced by sharing information about their dating lives or partners. As a result, they keep the information to themselves, which can then isolate them from their support system.
“We care deeply about our community and our friends approving of our choices, and it can hurt when it feels like they are disappointed in our decision-making,” says Nguyen. “Dating can feel overwhelming and discouraging to navigate on our own, and our friends are often a great support system to make the process feel less heavy. But they might end up taking up more space in our dating journey, which can feel disempowering.”
How to Support Your Friends in Dating
With 3 in 5 women hiding details about their dating lives from their besties, we must create a non-judgmental space for our friends to share. Of course, that doesn’t mean enabling toxicity or harmful patterns.
“It’s a fine balance between being honest about potential red flags for discernment and not taking away their friend’s agency,” says Nguyen. “This looks like a mix of gentle boundaries, not overly indulging a friend in a toxic dynamic, while also being there, listening, and supporting them as a person no matter what.”
This will help your friend feel heard, validated, and empowered to make her own choices.
“Doing that creates an opening for a real conversation to take place so friends won’t feel like they have to hide everything,” Nguyen says. “Done well, our friends can help us steady our judgment and see things more clearly instead of outsourcing our intuition.”
The Dreaded ‘Friend Veto’
According to the Hily survey, the “friend veto”—which is essentially a friend’s disapproval of a partner—is a real thing, with 1 in 3 women having actually lost interest in someone purely because their best friend disapproved. What’s more, 63% ignored that advice yet eventually admitted their friend was right in the end.
Does this mean we should blindly listen to our friends without using our own discernment? Absolutely not, but maybe take their input with a grain of salt.
“The ‘friend veto’ can be a positive thing, but only with the right kind of friends,” says Nguyen. “It’s similar to how you take advice. You want to take advice from people who are able to advocate for your relationship, not project themselves into it or make it about their own experiences.
“The same is true on the other side of friendship: being a good friend in this way means offering perspective without control, and caring without possession,” she continues. “Use the friend veto with emotionally mature friends who are able to help you expand your clarity and get you in contact with yourself.”
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