My husband and I are retired senior citizens. We didn’t have children by choice. In recent years, we have welcomed a delightful new family to the neighborhood and become close with their charming son, who is now a young teen. We have invited the boy to visit us at our lake house in past summers. Unfortunately, he arrives without money, orders expensively at restaurants and allows us to buy him gifts. The family has never reciprocated our generosity. They are well off, so it’s not a financial issue. I feel taken advantage of — as if they think we are desperate for a grandchild. My husband doesn’t want to damage our relationship with the boy, nor do I. But with summer approaching, how should we handle this? Can we ask the boy to bring money when he visits?
OLDER FRIEND
I may be off base here, but your complaints about your young friend seem odd. Children do not have their own money. I would not expect a child to split restaurant tabs with me or to refuse gifts I bought him. (Are you testing him with these purchases?) Now, if I were his parent, I would send you a thank-you gift for your hospitality, but the failure of the boy’s parents to do so is not a legitimate gripe against the child. So long as he thanks you for your kindness, he has done his duty.
You can certainly ask him to bring pocket money if you like. But what does a child need money for at a lake cottage: an ice cream cone or a movie ticket? I can’t imagine these small expenditures making me feel taken advantage of. As for taking him to restaurants, ask him to order more modestly. You are the adults at the table, after all, and his parents may not have taught him to be mindful of price when he is a guest.
If you want the boy to keep visiting you at the lake, invite him. But if you need these visits to lead to reciprocation by the parents, stop inviting him. And I understand your sensitivity about not having children, but you are probably the only person who connects the boy’s visits with that decision.
A Ghost Can Still Leave a Bruise
I have been friends with another woman for 10 years. For half that time, we have lived in different countries. We try to meet twice a year and message each other frequently. I haven’t heard much from her lately, so I sent a couple of messages around her birthday. I can see that she has read them and that she has been active on social media, so I sent her another message asking if everything was OK. Still no response. Should I pursue this further or respect her silence?
FRIEND
When friends stop responding to us, they are communicating, albeit silently, their lack of interest in maintaining a relationship with us — or their current inability to do so. It is not our responsibility — and, indeed, is often unproductive — to press for explanations. I don’t mean to minimize the hurt that ghosting causes, and I’m sorry for your experience. Still, I would leave your friend alone for now. She may return to you in time. But we can’t make people treat us differently than they choose to.
I’ll Pretend You Didn’t Say That
I am a 65-year-old woman. In the past four years, I have had three abdominal surgeries, a course of chemotherapy and a broken arm. I am currently recuperating from my latest surgery, and I am exhausted. (Before all this, I was a very active person.) My surgeon suggested that I hire a cleaning service to help around the house, and I found someone to come twice a month. Recently, an in-law called me and said, “Now that you have a maid, you better get off your butt and exercise, or you will go to pot.” I found this incredibly hurtful! How should I respond?
IN-LAW
I think the better question is, Why would you respond? Your in-law has made it clear that he or she has not followed your health challenges or feels little empathy with you. In either case, it’s hard to see the value of engaging with this person while you recuperate. Better to spend your energy focusing on your recovery than on your in-law’s unkindness. Let it go!
We’re Art House. They’re Multiplex. It’ll Never Work.
My spouse and I have a tradition of watching films with another couple. Over time, it has become clear that we have different tastes: We like independent films, and they like big-budget, mainstream movies. They complain that the films we choose are pretentious and boring, even as we try to find interesting elements in the films they choose, though we do not enjoy them. We’re not sure how to end this tradition without drama. Advice?
FILM LOVER
It sounds as if you and your friends simply have different tastes in film. No biggie! Why would there be any drama in acknowledging this obvious fact and suggesting that you spend your time together differently? Visit local parks or vineyards for wine tastings, read the novels of Agatha Christie together or simply try out local restaurants. No need to torture yourselves.
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