I don’t know about you, but dating is one of the most soul-sucking experiences I’ve ever had. As someone who is incredibly sensitive to energy and worries way too much about what others think, I’ve always left first dates feeling drained.
According to Hily Dating App, post-date emotional dips are a real thing—and they’re actually quite common. Here are three signs you’re experiencing a post-date emotional hangover, according to a therapist
1. You Ruminate About the Date
It’s normal to ruminate after a first date. However, if you’re spending hours replaying your conversations and wondering how your date perceived you, you might be entering emotional hangover territory.
“This usually happens when you aren’t sure how the other person feels, and you struggle to feel confident about how the date went,” says Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, relationship expert at Hily Dating App and Harvard-trained clinical psychologist. “Often, it stems from a lack of self-trust.”
If you’re confident in the way you present yourself on dates, you likely won’t get lost in this post-date panic. However, many of us are vulnerable to this toxic habit.
“When your own feelings and post-date read of the situation don’t feel sufficient, you’ll keep replaying the entire date word for word, searching for something that proves you’re safe,” Romanoff continues. “It’s a form of reassurance seeking, often rooted in past experiences of being judged, criticized, or rejected.”
Thankfully, there are ways you can stop yourself from spiraling.
“Instead of getting stuck trying to find proof of their interest, shift your focus toward trusting your experience of the date and staying grounded in their actions,” Romanoff recommends. “Their behavior after the date—the follow-up, the messaging, the effort to plan another meetup—speaks far louder than anything you can overthink.”
2. You Worry You Were ‘Too Much’
Many daters—especially women who have been taught not to take up too much space—fear that they were “too much” on a first date.
“This can show up as feeling too eager, too emotional, sharing too much, or coming across as anxious,” says Romanoff. “Many people fixate on something they said or did as a way to regain control when old rejection wounds get stirred up. They feel they need to censor themselves or ‘play it cool’ to be chosen or appear ‘good enough.’
According to Romanoff, this fear often stems from a fragile sense of self and desire to be wanted.
“When this starts happening, it helps to name the pattern and get perspective on the spiral,” she says. “Understanding how your attachment wounds or fear of abandonment get activated in new dating situations makes it easier to interrupt the cycle and return to asking the real question: Do I actually want this person in my life?”
3. You Feel Depleted
You know those people—or situations—that drain you for seemingly no reason? Especially if you’re sensitive to energy, you might notice yourself leaving dates entirely depleted. However, this reaction actually provides helpful insight.
“Often this response comes up because you felt compelled to perform on the date instead of letting the experience come together naturally,” says Romanoff. “It signals a tendency to over-give and to suppress your own emotional needs in order to take care of someone else.”
“People who leave dates feeling drained often struggle to genuinely accept their own needs and share them with others, and tend to fall back on people-pleasing,” Romanoff continues. “This results in imbalanced relationships in which you’re always the giver and your partner is the taker.”
Unfortunately, this is all too relatable. I think many of us have found ourselves in these people-pleasing roles.
That being said, as Romanoff states, “It’s essential to notice any discomfort you feel with receiving or simply being present, especially early on, so you can build relationships that feel mutual and reciprocal instead of one-sided.”
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