My partner and I are moving in together this summer. We plan to marry eventually and spend our lives together. Unfortunately, his mother and two sisters are financially irresponsible. (All three siblings are in their 50s.) His sisters never left the nest and struggle to hold down jobs, and his widowed mother lives beyond her means. She and her daughters were recently evicted from a rental home they couldn’t remotely afford. Now that their credit scores are shot, my partner’s mother has asked him to co-sign a lease for a new home. He knows the financial perils of doing this, but he also feels the pull of filial obligation. How can I be supportive of his feelings while encouraging him to preserve boundaries and our dreams?
GIRLFRIEND
For years, I was the son of a widowed mother who looked to me for advice and support. It was my privilege to repay her lifetime of kindness. Your partner may feel differently, but I would be surprised by an adult child in his 50s turning his back entirely on a parent in need. I respect that you cast your question in terms of supporting your partner. Still, tread carefully: It would be a mistake to try to manage his relationships with his immediate family.
I recognize that your partner’s financial obligations — guaranteeing a lease, for instance — may have an impact on you, too, and not only if you marry and live in a community-property state (where spouses are generally responsible for each other’s debts). The amount of his financial assistance to his mother may also affect the quality of your lives together. This is an area where you must look out for yourself. Consult a lawyer about the laws in your state.
You don’t mention your age or marital history, but I wonder: Is it important for you to marry your partner? The cleanest solution here may be for you and your partner to cohabit and keep separate finances — even if the laws in your state insulate you from his obligations. It sounds as if your partner may be involved with his family’s finances for some time, and keeping a separate budget for your household that lays out your individual obligations may be helpful.
What to Expect When You’re Expecting? Commentary.
I am pregnant with my first child. My spouse and I are over the moon! The problem: Strangers feel empowered to comment on my pregnancy, and their remarks range from sweet (“You will love someone more than you ever imagined!”) to misinformed (“Take the coffee away from that woman!”) to overly personal (“Are you planning a natural birth?”). I respond with a weak smile, but these comments get under my skin. What can I say to shut them down?
PREGNANT
Over the years, I have received dozens of letters like yours. (You left out random passers-by asking to touch your belly!) Obviously, you are right: Your body is not community property, and while something about pregnancy excites strangers to speak up, they are overstepping. But the frequency of these interactions — some letter writers report several per day — complicates matters, and I worry that repeating a snappy line ad nauseam will aggravate you further.
You may find it cathartic to keep a running tally of comments to share with your spouse. And if you’re so moved in the moment, you can certainly say: “Are you really commenting on a stranger’s body?” But smiling and moving on — as you do now — may be the lowest-impact response. Neither of us has the power to stop these remarks, unfortunately. And I suspect that calling out wrongheaded but well-meaning strangers will not make you feel better.
Sometimes Three Is Just a Crowd
We believe that a family member is in a throuple based on the frequent presence of a third party in photographs of our relative and his primary partner. But we don’t know for sure, as he has not made any declaration. The issue: We have told him he is welcome to bring his friend to family events. We don’t want to insinuate, but we don’t want to exclude, either. What more can we do?
RELATIVE
Speculating about the sexuality of others for any reason — including the frequency of third parties in photographs — is invasive and, in my experience, more often about titillation than a desire to be welcoming. You have kindly invited your relative to bring his friend to family events. Terrific! There is no reason for you to say or do anything further here, and that includes gossiping about the issue with others.
Leveling With an Ailing Friend
I have maintained a friendly relationship with a longtime colleague of my late father. Mostly, we exchange correspondence, but I have visited him when I am passing through his area. Now, his health has taken a turn for the worse, and he is pressuring me to visit. But I have obligations to family members who are also ill. I have not shared this fact with my friend to avoid upsetting him. What can I do?
FRIEND
Upsetting a friend because you are withholding information about your family to avoid upsetting that friend seems like an odd choice to me. You don’t have to be specific. Just say, “Unfortunately, some health issues in the family are keeping me close to home for now.” That should do it.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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