Dear Miss Manners: I had cancer last year and lost my hair. I’m fine now, but my hair is growing back super curly. Every day, people make comments about it: “Oh, your hair! It’s so curly!”
It’s a painful reminder when I’m trying to feel normal again. I’ve tried explaining that I’m upset about my looks and don’t like to be reminded, but then they argue that it looks good.
Every woman at church brings it up, not realizing it’s hard for me to hear dozens of these comments. One woman at the gym commented loudly every day, even after I asked her to stop. I finally burst into tears.
It will take two years for my hair to be long and feminine again. Any ideas on how to stop the comments in the meantime?
Unfortunately, there is no legal way to stop foolish people from informing others how they look. They seem to think it useful to point out to tall people that they are tall, to the short that they are short, and so on. Fat, thin — anything noticeable.
And if they are challenged, they claim to be giving compliments. Even your tears have probably not prompted the offender at the gym to realize that she had erred. Rather, she likely thought that you were just oversensitive (a counter-charge often lobbed by rude people). It is a wonder she didn’t announce that.
So Miss Manners can offer little hope that you can retrain those who are determined to comment on appearances. Sorry.
She can only caution you not to respond. A silent, humorless stare should at least stop them from elaborating on their remarks.
Dear Miss Manners: In a supermarket, I had a conversation with the family of a very noisy child, about 6 years old. I protested the noise, while Mom defended it vigorously.
I walked away and continued my shopping. A few minutes later, the store manager stopped by to tell me that “disrespecting children” was against store policy and would not be tolerated. She referred me to the company website, but of course, I could find no such policy statement.
Why must members of the public be disrespected by unruly, misbehaving, noisy children, and then defended by adults who should know better?
I am not a fan of authoritarian or permissive parenting, and believe in the principle of a community of equal dignity. Sometimes, a parent should address the noisy behavior of a child rather than ignore it — especially in a public place, where it can affect and upset other people. As in this case.
What is your view on this?
That indeed, a parent must sometimes deal with a disruptive child in public. It’s not easy or fun, but Miss Manners dares say that every parent has to go through it.
But why did you? Unlike the parent, you were in the enviable position of being able to move to another aisle, away from the noise. Why didn’t you?
New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
© 2025 Judith Martin
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