DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 40 years and have two grown children. My husband is controlling. He wants things done his way and only his way and will go on and on about it if something is done any other way. He tells me to make up my mind about stuff, but then he gets mad when I do and tells me all the reasons it was wrong. He has never hit me, but I feel mentally and verbally battered all the time. He has even hollered at me out in public, which was humiliating.
On the other hand, he is a good guy, too. He helps with the cooking, cleaning and laundry, and that’s something to brag about. I am just tired of feeling bad about myself and being embarrassed when he complains in front of our granddaughters, because I don’t want them to think that it’s OK for a male to holler at you and correct you in front of other people.
I can’t see throwing 40 years out the window. I have asked him to go to a marriage counselor with me, but he refuses. When I tell him that my father never, ever hollered at my mom in front of us, he tells me that I was raised in a make-believe world. It is affecting my health. My blood pressure is high, and I am on two medicines for it. Do you have any suggestions? — YELLED AT IN TEXAS
DEAR YELLED AT: Yes, I do. For the last 40 years, you have been gaslighted. People with high blood pressure are at increased risk for strokes and heart attacks. Helping with the cooking, cleaning and laundry does not make up for the abuse you are receiving. Because your husband’s verbal abuse and practice of humiliating you in front of others are now affecting your health, find the number of that marriage and family therapist you hoped to see with him, and go alone! If you do, it may give you the tools not only to improve your health, but also to deal with the dysfunction at home.
DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my 50s. At the end of elementary school, I participated in spreading some untrue and hurtful rumors about another girl and boy in my class. When the situation came to light, I ended up taking the fall for the rumor, and almost my entire class turned against me. Instead of apologizing to the girl and boy, which is what I should have done, I ignored the situation and tried to go forward. A few months later, our family moved, so I had no further contact with anyone from that school. I still feel regret and pain because of what I did, even though more than 40 years have passed. How do I put this situation right? I have considered finding these two people and giving them the apology I should have given them long ago. My fear is that because so much time has passed, they would think I’m odd for still worrying about it. What are your thoughts on seeking forgiveness for mistakes from one’s youth? — REGRETFUL IN NEVADA
DEAR REGRETFUL: So you “took the fall”? Everyone who repeated the falsehood should have taken it with you. Because this still bothers you 40 years later, by all means reach out and apologize if you can track down the people you hurt. But do it without any expectation of forgiveness. Do it because it will clear your conscience.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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