My wife and I have noticed that our Gen X parents have a problem with their phones: They scroll endlessly. It came to a head when my mother last watched our children. She was so engrossed in her phone that she didn’t see our 2-year-old son racing down the driveway on his bicycle. He flew over his handlebars and, fortunately, landed in a grassy area. But episodes like these make us wonder if we can trust our parents to watch our children. I’ve tried to broach the subject with them, but I’m afraid that if I’m too direct about it, they will become defensive. I can’t imagine it would feel good, as seniors, to have your children tell you to put down your phone. Advice?
SON
I understand your desire to be gentle with your parents. But as parents yourselves, your first responsibility is for your children’s safety. If a situation threatens their welfare, it is your job to handle it. So, if your mother is distracted, for instance, when she watches your children, speak with her directly. You don’t have to be mean, but you can’t tiptoe around your children’s well-being, either.
What’s more, the oldest members of Generation X are 61. Your parents were in your position not so long ago. Cellphone distraction may not have been an issue for them, but your safety was. Say: “Mom, I’m concerned that you are distracted when you watch the kids. I’m living proof that you are a great mother, but will you please put down your phone when you’re babysitting?” It’s hard to imagine her becoming defensive. You will be making a reasonable request while paying her a compliment.
Now, a related issue that lands in my inbox frequently: Be sensitive to your parents’ actual interest in babysitting. You may need child care, and your parents may seem like the natural providers of it to you, but they may have different priorities. They have raised their children already. So, ask them candidly if they want to take care of yours. They can love their grandchildren very much without wanting to babysit.
The Plus-One Math Isn’t Adding Up
On invitations to formal events, I believe that the invitees are clear: Either a guest is specified or, if the invitation is addressed to the invitee alone, a plus-one should not be assumed. But I have a friend who seems to believe otherwise. She substituted a random friend for her estranged husband at my child’s wedding. (She and her husband separated after the invitations went out.) And she mentioned bringing a plus-one to a formal reception for my grandchild’s baptism, although the invitation was addressed to her alone. How do I let her know this is not OK?
HOST
The point of etiquette and manners is to smooth over potential difficulties with a broadly understood set of guidelines — not to replace communication. It sounds as if your friend may have a looser understanding of plus-ones than you do. That doesn’t suggest an unbridgeable gap between you. Just talk to her!
In my experience, fewer people are giving formal events these days. (I’ve never even heard of a formal reception for a baptism.) So, perhaps she’s foggy on the etiquette or anxious about sitting alone at an event where she may not know anyone. Call her and say: “The number of seats at the reception is tight, so we’re inviting you on your own. But don’t worry, we’ll seat you with friends. OK?”
Greetings From Hawaii! Wish I Weren’t Here.
I recently accepted a friend and former colleague’s invitation to be her guest at an expense-paid work retreat in Hawaii next month. Her spouse and close friends can’t attend. I’m honored that she invited me. The issue: I’m having second thoughts about going! I’ve had health problems for the past few years. It’s a very long flight, and air travel is difficult for me. If the trip throws me off kilter, it may affect my participation in my daughter’s upcoming prom and graduation. What should I do?
FRIEND
In a perfect world, of course, you would have refused your friend’s invitation when she made it. It doesn’t sound as if there have been any new developments with your health or your daughter’s calendar since you accepted. Still, most of us have been in your shoes — accepting invitations without thinking them through.
So, here’s a question for you: Is this trip truly likely to affect your health? If so, apologize to your friend quickly and profusely. She may be upset with you, but we all make mistakes. Try to do better next time.
Don’t Let Current Events Pull You Under
I live in a senior community, and every week, we have a lecture on world news. The news is always bad and often accompanied by depressing charts and photographs. I go every week, but then I’m depressed for days afterward. Must I attend? It’s a small facility, and one’s absence is noticed.
ATTENDEE
Absolutely not! It is important to be an informed citizen, but there are many ways to consume news without attending lectures that depress you. Try reading a few well-sourced news outlets for shorter periods, interspersed perhaps with some uplifting stories from an outlet dedicated to good news. (You might also mention to the person who programs the lectures that they could be a bit more upbeat. You are the target audience, after all!)
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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