I had three goals when I started college in 2011: major in creative writing, publish my young adult novel, and find a boyfriend.
I met my ex-boyfriend on the last night of freshman orientation.
I was curious about his introvert energy. He also believed that a bachelor’s degree was a waste of time. Despite that, we clicked and exchanged numbers.
Most days, the idyllic campus buzzed with activities and opportunities for freshmen like me: career assistance, networking, and clubs. Yet, the more attention my ex-boyfriend and I gave each other, the more we wanted, even as my grades slid into academic probation territory.
My college years were completely about my relationship
I didn’t know it at the time, but I had already started isolating myself in my freshman year.
But oh, how I loved the attention: the emotional warmth, hugs, deep conversations about society and humanity. All of it was intoxicating, and his presence filled emotional gaps I was missing as a newly untethered college student from a strict home.
My studies took a back seat to our relationship. I spent most of my free time at college in a codependent relationship instead of attending campus activities or joining meaningful clubs.
Graduation and the real world seemed far off. I figured there would be plenty of time for career prep before graduation.
“I can find something once I graduate” morphed into “I’ll find something after I do retail for a while.” I had stopped writing my novel, too.
I then graduated and stopped prioritizing internship hunting. I then had student loan debt, a piece of paper proving I can work, and no college friends.
Thankfully, our relationship finally came to an end, but eight years in a codependent, sedentary relationship left its effects on me.
I’m now investing in myself
It took months of therapy and self-reflection to create enough distance to see the damage I’d created not only to my developing career but to myself. I became apathetic toward my own trajectory because I was so entrenched in the bad patterns I learned in college.
The only thing that broke my mind out of this cycle was the brutal reality: Rejection letters or silence from every junior writer job I applied to. A stretch of retail and banking jobs kept me afloat, but I couldn’t handle the workload or stay organized.
If I was going to take back control, I had to catch up on lost time, so I finally started working on my writing portfolio.
I needed hard skills beyond writing, so I went to the NYS Department of Labor website to start taking free marketing courses. I developed conceptual ad pieces for a few fake companies. I wrote about other ads, successful or not, to learn what really makes copy shape entire industries. I watched lectures on persuasive writing. I knew I had the raw skill; I just needed to stick to a schedule, which was my biggest challenge.
Instead of integrating my new writing into my current routine, I began a new routine, starting with a 20-minute walk each morning. Then I built new daily habits on top of walking, like cleaning up the kitchen and playing with my firecracker of a cat, before 9 a.m. Setting alarms or deadlines for non-work tasks sounds silly, but it helps keep the brain locked in rhythm and away from depressing thoughts.
Are there still days I can’t put words on paper? Of course. I just write anyway. I write, I read, I practice. I keep submitting applications.
While I still think about him from time to time, I now know that it’s OK to walk away from bad relationships, no matter how much time and effort was invested.
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