DEAR ABBY: My son is 27. He has had some problems recently that were so serious I reached out to his father. His father and I were teenagers when we had him, so the last time we spoke was 18 years ago. Our relationship was really toxic, which is why we split when we were young. (We both had other children.) Since we’ve begun talking again, we have shared that the relationships we’re in now aren’t good. Mine is verbally and emotionally abusive. (He used to be physically abusive until two years ago.)
Abby, all my feelings for my ex have come back, and he says he feels the same. We’re different people now. We haven’t taken it any further than talking and texting. I’m so confused. I don’t know if I should end the relationship I’m in and give it another go with my ex, or leave it alone. — HOPELESS ROMANTIC IN TEXAS
DEAR HOPELESS ROMANTIC: You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by ending a relationship that’s emotionally and verbally abusive. If your ex is sincere about what he has been telling you, he may want to end his unhappy relationship as well. IF you decide to move forward with what you’re considering, I strongly urge you to get to know him first. Couples counseling can help you accomplish it, considering the baggage you are both carrying from the first time around.
DEAR ABBY: While we were growing up, my father was abusive toward me and favored my younger sister. He said she was “too dumb to be successful,” so he pushed me mercilessly (punishing me when I wasn’t perfect) and mostly left her alone. As an adult, I finally found the strength to ask him to treat me right.
I suggested we go to family counseling to improve our communication. My father agreed initially, then said he was too busy (he’s retired) and refused to go. He then cut me off and announced to the family that he was disowning me. My sister believes his story that I cut him off. Since she was never treated poorly, she doesn’t believe that I was. How can I continue my relationship with her, while she remains close with him? — ESTRANGED IN FLORIDA
DEAR ESTRANGED: You can try to get other family members who remember the dynamic between you and your father to vouch for the fact that you are telling your sister the truth. However, if that’s not possible, and you want to maintain a relationship with her, then you will have to agree to make the subject of Dear Old Dad something you do not discuss.
DEAR ABBY: How should I respond to close friends — a couple — who are extremely nosy? Recently, the husband asked me if any of my siblings are citizens of the country my now-deceased parents emigrated from. When I replied no, he proceeded to ask me why. I was caught off guard by his rudeness and couldn’t answer. They both do this. I have mentioned previously that I’m very private about my family, yet they persist. How do I stop this rude behavior? — NOSY FRIENDS
DEAR NOSY: The next time you are asked something you feel is none of their business, respond by saying, “Why do you ask?” And when they answer, say, “That’s very personal,” and change the subject.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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