When my youngest son was little, I called him my “koala baby.” He wanted to be carried on my hip at all times and would tuck his head into my neck to hide whenever he was in an unfamiliar environment.
It’s almost impossible to reconcile that little boy with the one who now talks about traveling the world. He’ll be 15 in a few months, and he already has a long list of places he wants to visit. College is something he’s actively looking forward to, and one of his main criteria is a school that has a strong study abroad program.
He recently mentioned he might want to be an exchange student next year. I smiled and nodded, because of course it’s a terrific opportunity. But internally, I felt that familiar lowkey dread that seems to pop up with every new step toward independence.
He’s been building toward this version of himself for a while now. The summer after he completed sixth grade, he spent a week in Washington, DC, at a student leadership conference. It was the first time he was away from home without my husband and me, and though he was very excited about it, I could also tell he was nervous. We bought trip insurance, just in case he decided to back out at the last minute. He didn’t.
With every trip, he grows a little more
Last summer, he went even further on a school trip to England. I struggled more with that decision than I expected, even though I trusted the chaperones and knew the friends he was traveling with.
Of course, he did great. He navigated airports, kept track of his luggage, rolled with the unexpected, and came home with stories and experiences entirely his own. He’s been building confidence with each new adventure, and it’s a joy to watch, even while I hesitate to let go.
It’s not that I don’t trust him. He’s grown into an incredibly responsible teenager, and I trust his judgment and his ability to figure things out. He’s already more well-traveled at 14 than I was at 40, and he moves through new environments with a level of confidence I didn’t have at his age. There’s something deeply reassuring about that — and something a little humbling, too. Somewhere along the way, my koala baby has learned how to take care of himself.
I still struggle to let him go
A week in Washington, DC, or even 10 days in England wouldn’t make me blink now. But a month — or longer — as an exchange student, living with people we’ve never met, in a place that isn’t home? That feels like an entirely different leap. One that I’m not ready for.
I can hear my worry in the questions I ask him, even when I try to keep them casual. What if something goes wrong? What if you get homesick? What if it isn’t what you expected? He answers confidently, like he’s echoing the reassurance I’ve given him his whole life. I’ll be fine. I know what I’m doing. It’ll be fun. And I believe him.
He’s shown me that he’s ready for the world, again and again, in ways both big and small. He’s learned how to plan, how to pack, how to adapt when things don’t go exactly as expected. He knows how to dress for the weather, navigate a new city, use a credit card, and ask for help when he needs it. He’s figured out how to be okay without me right there beside him.
He’ll be OK — and so will I
I don’t know yet if he’ll commit to an exchange program in high school or if he’ll wait until college to study abroad. Either way, I’ll have to figure out how to be OK with it because there’s no good reason to discourage him. As much as I feel that pull to hold on, I also feel — strongly — that I can’t hold him back. Not in what he wants to do, and not in who he’s becoming.
That’s what we hope for when we’re raising them, even if we don’t always think about what it will feel like when it actually happens.
So when the time comes, I’ll do what I’ve done every time before. I’ll make packing suggestions, even if he doesn’t really need me to, and ask all of the questions to reassure myself that he’s prepared. Then I’ll watch him leave, feeling that familiar mix of pride and worry, and remind myself that both things can exist at once.
He’s ready to see the world. And I’m learning, one trip at a time, how to let him.
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