Dear Carolyn: I have always found the holidays to be a massive pain in the neck, and I have little interest in participating. This is not a new thing; I’m 30, and I’ve always felt that way. Like Scrooge, I’ve always been happy to let others keep Christmas in their way and for me to not keep it in mine.
Two years ago, I was married. Our engagement happened over a Christmas season, so my wife was well aware before she married me that I’m not the Christmas type.
Well, you guessed it, she is insistent that I help pick out and decorate a tree, put up Christmas decorations, attend holiday events, and buy a bunch of Christmas gifts. I’ve told her point-blank that I will not do it. I’ve told her SHE is welcome to buy and decorate as many trees as she wants, but I’m not helping with it. This has led to a couple of arguments, tears and claims that I’m selfish. She’s not speaking to me after I told her yesterday that I wasn’t planning to be home for the big party she’s planning to throw.
To me, Christmas is like religion: Practice it if you want, but don’t nag other people to practice it with you, and don’t try to change people who are (or were) happy with their lives as they are.
So who’s right here?
— Scrooge
Scrooge: I guessed it! No, I didn’t. Got carried away.
Way to go to the mat for your principles, though. You’ll no-show the party your wife is planning? Gonna TP the house, too?
Your campaign against Christmas pains me for a few reasons — but mostly because I would have been a gleeful natural ally if you’d just stuck to Christmas.
But you went so hard, you charged right past Santa and now you’re fighting your wife, and your young marriage — and parties. At this point, “For what?” has become a fair question. Either I’m missing the white-hot intensity implied by “not the Christmas type,” or we’re beyond that, too, and chasing the empty calories of being Right.
Is your wife the innocent here? No way. Her adamance, accusations and tears are as overwrought as Christmas itself, and almost as far from the point. Plus, there’s the fact of her party you never agreed to co-host, oh my, then a silent treatment, which is an emotionally abusive tactic.
While I can speak only to the person who asked me, as always, the fact that you’re both taking gifts and decorations to battle stations makes this a marriage answer (strictly eggnog-agnostic):
Listening means you two have a chance; if you’re only talking, then you don’t. Trying to communicate and negotiate means you have a chance; if you’re trying to score points, then you don’t. Trying to make each other happy without cutting into who you are means you have a chance; if you’re thinking only of what you want, then you don’t … and why, come to think of it, is either of you life-partnered with anyone, if only your experience and feelings count?
An example of how it all might apply here: You two agree to talk for real — no trees, just forest, no fighting. Tell her you thought you had been clear about who you are (pre-redemption Scrooge, by the way) — and that’s why, when she cry-bombs you, you feel resentful, manipulated, whatever. Maybe even admit that you dig harder into your “no” than you might have before. Not a mature reaction, but if you’re doing it, then own it. In general, be honest beyond the “She knew, so I’m off the hook!” point.
Then, her turn. Your turn to l i s t e n.
Then remember you just married each other. Say it out loud, even.
Then get at what this is really about. Big picture. I know, I know, she’s all in, you’re all ugh, I do hear you. But — you both signed up for each other’s happiness by marrying, so your religion analogy fails. I mean: How far are both of you willing to go? Why?
Meanwhile, think small picture, too. You’d agree to a party in … April, right? So why refuse to have or attend this one, just because it’s now? Explain why you’re prepared to be this cussed about it, to your loved person, even as you apparently intend to deny her everything else. Because it’s your “style.”
Again — for example.
The job for each of you in a conflict (though, by necessity, I’m still addressing only you) is to look for ways to yield that would bring your partner joy/relief, but wouldn’t come at too steep a cost for you to share in the joy/relief yourself. That’s the difference between thriving and resentment in your partnership.
If yielding is not physically/morally/constitutionally possible, or you’re simply unwilling — then you calmly live out what you swear she knew she signed up for, to the letter, including consequences.
Because that’s what being “right” in any such argument looks like. No A-pluses, no prizes, just this: doing what you think is right, at the price you’re prepared to pay.
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