Buckle up, everyone: there’s a “new” dating trend going around, and it’s sabotaging healthy connections before they even have the chance to form. Labeled “puffer-fishing,” this pattern has actually been around for quite some time, and it’s certainly not a new concept—but it might explain why you’re still single.
Let’s dive right in with the puffer fish.
What Is Puffer-Fishing in Dating?
Puffer-fishing is a dating trend in which someone lashes out or pushes others away when they get too close.
“‘Puffer-fishing’ is essentially emotional self-protection masked as avoidance, chaos, or mixed signals,” says Lisa Chen, LMFT, relationship expert and founder of Lisa Chen & Associates, a group boutique practice specializing in relationships. “This is a common occurrence with those who are avoidantly attached. Avoidantly attached individuals desire connection, but their nervous system starts to interpret intimacy as pressure or a loss of control. As a result, the person responds and ‘puffs up’ by becoming unavailable, critical, or confusing to regain some space from the relationship and a sense of control.”
This is a common pattern for avoidants, who tend to flee once a relationship progresses. Typically, it stems from a deep-seated fear of commitment and abandonment. Oftentimes, avoidants do crave love, but they’re afraid of either losing themselves or getting hurt. It’s a protective mechanism, not an intentionally harmful behavior.
“I often see this with my clients who are emotionally guarded, most often avoidantly attached,” says Chen. “They want connection, but have long associated intimacy as unsafe and, as a result, self-sabotage the very thing they were hoping for, a relationship with another person.”
Healthier Alternatives to Puffer-Fishing
Puffer-fishing might seem appealing in some contexts. It certainly protects you from heartbreak…but only at the cost of genuine connections. You can’t build a lasting relationship with someone you view as a threat. And with puffer-fishing, you villainize anyone who gets too close.
“Healthy dating requires tolerating ambiguity and releasing a sense of control,” says Chen. “Instead of withdrawing when someone starts to become closer, it’s more effective to notice the fearful part of you that is reacting to the intimacy and then communicating honestly about it.”
This isn’t always easy, especially if you grew up feeling like your feelings were “too much.” You might fear opening up and being misunderstood or judged, or perhaps you crave being perceived as independent and secure. Either way, you can only run so far from yourself before you leave everyone else behind, too. It takes true strength and confidence to own your vulnerabilities and allow someone to love you as you are.
As Chen says, “In my work, I see that real intimacy isn’t destroyed by vulnerability, but defenses against vulnerability.”
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