I have been sober for one year after many decades of heavy drinking. By now, I am somewhat comfortable being around others when they drink. I also enjoy entertaining friends in my apartment, but I no longer maintain a well-stocked bar, nor do I wish to. So, what should I do about dinner parties? I want to be a gracious host, but I don’t want to offer a full range of alcoholic beverages to my guests. Should I ask them in advance what they want to drink and stock it? (That seems a bit intense.) Should I buy a bottle each of red and white wine and hope that suffices? (That seems stingy.) Or should I tell my guests that dinner is a “bring your own bottle” occasion? (That seems ungenerous.) Help!
SOBER
First, let me commend you on your sobriety. Making meaningful and positive change after decades of habitual behavior is a big achievement. Well done! So, making note of your phrase (you write that you are “somewhat comfortable” being around drinking), and keeping the relative stakes in mind — protecting your sobriety versus giving a dinner party — I suggest that you hold off serving booze for now. Your sobriety is still relatively new, and it is more important to safeguard it than it is to serve alcohol to friends.
You don’t mention whether you attend a support group for people in recovery. But dropping into a meeting to speak with others who have lived through experiences similar to yours would probably be helpful. They can’t make this decision for you, but hearing their suggestions may help you make a better decision for yourself. I have watched friends in recovery struggle with alcohol that is left over at the end of the evening — as well as with the temptation to join guests in drinking during dinner.
I also suggest that you rethink what makes a good host. For many decades, that probably entailed serving alcohol to your guests. But really, the act of welcoming friends into your home for a meal — and perhaps a nonalcoholic beer or cocktail — is more than enough. No one needs to drink at every meal, and your friends don’t need you to serve them alcohol to feel valued by you.
One Scheduling Conflict and Knocked Off the Altar
My best friend of 25 years removed me from her bridal party because I cannot attend the rehearsal dinner the evening before the wedding. I have an important hearing in court on Friday afternoon that cannot be moved in the absence of a true emergency. It will prevent me from making it to the rehearsal dinner. What hurts me most is that there was no conversation or attempt to problem solve. My friend simply informed me that because I would miss the dinner, I was no longer a bridesmaid. I was shocked! Should I let this go? It’s her wedding. Should I even go to the wedding? I feel disrespected.
EX-BRIDESMAID
I agree that your friend’s decision seems harsh, and I certainly understand your hurt feelings. But many of us — myself included — are sometimes unable to meet moments of stress with grace and reason. This seems to be the case with your friend, who is overreacting to a situation beyond your control.
Still, I hope you know that you have done nothing wrong here and that your friend is probably hurting herself more than anyone else by removing her best friend of 25 years from her wedding party. Try to let this go — for now. Go to the wedding and celebrate your friend. Life is long: You will have plenty of time to circle back to her to discuss her decision later, when she is better able to be reasonable.
The Inalienable Right Not to Smile
I have a toddler son. He is a happy boy, but he has a distinctly serious facial expression when he is in new settings or around new people. Strangers often feel the need to approach me to comment on it: “Why so serious?” or “That’s quite a face!” I’ve let it go up to now, but I don’t want these comments to affect my son’s idea of himself. Is there a cute response that might encourage people to back off?
MOM
Unless you believe that making a snappy comment to one person will somehow reduce the likelihood of another person commenting — which I don’t — I would focus on what your son hears. Say: “He’s an amazing boy! Playful when he’s comfortable and thoughtful when he’s encountering something new. Thanks for noticing!” Then move along. These people probably don’t mean to upset you, and there’s little upside for you or your son in critiquing their comments.
Must a Page-Turner Have Pages?
If you listen to an audiobook, can you say that you read the book? Or should you be more accurate and say that you listened to it?
READER
For traditionalists, reading is a purely visual activity — not an auditory one. And in the early days of Books on Tape, I confess that I thought of listening to books as cheating. But recent studies show that listeners engage with written material just as rigorously as those who read it on the page, and their comprehension is just as high. So, I don’t believe the distinction matters. Do you?
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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