Out of five siblings, I’m the only one without children, meaning I got to be the “fun aunt” who brought sweets, toys, games, and a heap of adoration for my 12 nieces and nephews. There’s a favorite photo from the early years where two of my nephews stare at me in delight, one a newborn in my arms and the other not yet 2. That picture takes me back to when all I had to do was pretend to be a dinosaur or read them a picture book, and they thought I was the coolest person around.
Then they became teenagers, and things changed drastically overnight. I could tell from their lackluster responses to my offers to spend time together that they weren’t interested. Most of them also dove into school sports, which had never been my strength or interest. I closed my eyes during every tackle at football games, terrified someone would get hurt, and finally decided to avoid in-person football altogether. It felt like we had nothing in common anymore, and I didn’t know how to bridge the distance as friends, athletics, and independence became their focus.
I didn’t know why we felt less close over the years
My nieces and nephews range in age from 7 to 31. My two oldest nieces are out of state, and my relationship with them never fluctuated as they grew. Now in their 20s, they still reach out to me to talk, and the eldest even asked me to be in her wedding — one of the highlights of my life. But with many of them who live closer, as they’ve gotten older, I wondered why things weren’t so easy.
I sought advice from people with older children, and also called my sister and a sister-in-law. They all said the same thing: “You just need to show up and be present.”
Since planned hangouts didn’t work, I asked if I could come to the kids’ basketball games. I asked about their current favorite music — names of artists I had usually never heard of — and then texted them about the songs after listening. I offered editing help with their college essays and applications, which was a surprising win with an older nephew. And I began to notice a slight deepening and ease in our relationship again.
The change made me realize why things with my nieces out of state had remained steady. The distance required effort from the start, and that intentionality was built into our dynamic. I wrongly assumed closeness would simply carry over at any age with the kids closer in location. Being truly intentional was something I was learning to apply. An effort that’s trial-and-error.
My own aunts offer me a great example
Looking back at my own aunts, I felt seen and genuinely liked by them. Even if we didn’t see each other often, the warm way they looked at me, touched my arm, and asked questions when we saw each other, made me feel valued and cared for. It still does in my 30s. I want to give that to my nieces and nephews, too. Even if they don’t have much to say, I hope they feel loved by me.
The truth is that it’s never going to be the same as when they were little. I’m learning to accept that the days of face painting, carrying them on my hip, and playing with dolls are over. I didn’t realize that I would mourn that loss so much as an aunt. I still miss the times when all I had to do was sing a Moana song to make them smile, but this new season has been rewarding in its own way.
“Aunting” older kids has taken more effort and taught me a lot about connection and consistency. At the forefront of my mind is how lucky I am to be an aunt to these amazing humans at all, let alone twelve times over. They are truly the bright spots of my life.
And I hope they see they have a lifelong cheerleader, no matter how grown they are.
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