It’s very likely you will get the call.
It might be for your mother, dad or both. It could be for a grandparent who stepped in to be your guardian.
When that call comes, it can be like a rogue wave that sweeps you off your feet into a crushing swirl of water and sand. This is the reality of caregiving for older relatives — a wave of financial decisions and health care crises that leave you struggling to find your footing.
It’s what Beth Pinsker experienced when she got the call. Pinsker chronicles her journey in “My Mother’s Money: A Guide to Financial Caregiving,” the Color of Money Book Club pick this month.
Despite her credentials as a retirement columnist and a certified financial planner, Pinsker found that even her expertise couldn’t keep her from being upended.
“I stumbled at every turn as my mom’s financial caregiver,” Pinsker writes. “I had the book knowledge in a situation that demanded street smarts, and that made me feel helpless against the giant financial and legal machine that governs how everything gets done in the United States.”
Pinsker’s mother was 76 when she started needing help in 2022. “My mother was excellent at handling her own affairs — until she wasn’t,” Pinsker writes.
The landscape of senior caregiving in the U.S. has reached what experts believe is a crisis point. Family caregivers are the backbone of the U.S. health care system, yet the sheer volume of their unpaid labor often goes unnoticed. According to a report from the AARP Public Policy Institute, these individuals — 59 million caregivers — provided 49.5 billion hours of care in 2024, making them among America’s largest workforce. The report estimated the economic value of this support at more than $1 trillion.
Caregiving is becoming more intense largely because modern medicine is better at extending our lives, even as costs escalate. Despite Medicare, the cost of care in retirement is staggering. According to the most recent data from Fidelity Investments, a 65-year-old retiring last year could expect to spend an average of $172,500 on health care and medical expenses over the course of their retirement. And here is the kicker: That figure doesn’t include the cost of long-term care, most dental services, or over-the-counter medications.
As professional care becomes more expensive and resources are strained, friends and family are putting in marathon hours caring for loved ones, often taking over medical and nursing duties that used to be handled by professionals.
It’s one thing to see the costs in a report, and another to live them. Pinsker provides a candid guidebook for the often-frustrating and complex life of a caregiver. For a little over a year, she was a financial manager, health care advocate, and finally administrator of her mother’s affairs after she died.
This isn’t a book about caregiving being a burden. It’s a tribute to both her mom and dad, and how it’s an honor to care for someone when they can’t do so for themselves. There are stories of other caregivers — some of them experts, others regular folks — who answered the call. And Pinsker doesn’t just feature the women who stepped up. She writes about a son who retired early at 58 and moved his family to care for his 92-year-old father.
Caregiving for adults is hard, a statement that won’t come as news to the many people doing it. I’ve been the caregiver for my grandmother, grandfather, a disabled brother, and my father-in-law. It takes grit and grace to do this job. There are days when you want to scream, and you should. Then there are times when you are doing tasks so intimate, such as bathing a parent, that bring tears to your eyes because you know they’re embarrassed to need such help from the child they used to diaper and bathe.
Pinsker has written a guide that has heart, as well as tips. She walks you through so many issues, from setting up a care schedule and looking for financial red flags to using a power of attorney and fighting for benefits.
There are checklists. The resource section is expansive and extremely helpful. Use her conversation prompts to have the difficult talks. Here’s one: “I want to put together an emergency kit for you in case you ever need it. Can I look through your papers, pull some things together, and ask for your help when I need it?”
I love that every chapter has a “Do Now” directive. It’s a gentle nudge to do the things you want to put off, or you might not know you need to do. For example, she recommends you create a health history cheat sheet that includes a list of medications. She provides a template. Trust me, this is invaluable during doctor visits.
Here’s another must-do: As best you can, get an inventory of your loved one’s assets to identify how you can access cash if needed. Once a person passes away, bank accounts are often frozen, potentially cutting you off from the funds to handle their final affairs. You’ll need a plan for bridge money to cover pressing costs like keeping the rent current while you clear out an apartment or paying for funeral expenses before the estate is legally settled and the rest of the money is released.
This is a book for caregivers and those who may someday need one. Pinsker’s most poignant advice is that procrastination can cost your caregivers a lot of heartache and money. Get your affairs in order, now.
It’s easy to get “decision-making fatigue,” Pinsker says. Or, after someone dies, “grief fog.”
“Anyone who thinks there will always be time and that important things can be left to do another day is either delusional or has never faced an untimely death,” she says.
I found myself engrossed in the financial and emotional travails Pinsker and her brother experienced in caring for their mom leading up to her death, and the settlement of her estate. Pinsker is honest about the mistakes she made and proud of the plans she helped put in place before her mother fell ill.
The chapter on dealing with stuff filled me with both sadness and laughter. Pinsker’s mom had six meat thermometers and 12 toenail clippers. What will your adult children have to clear out when you die?
This is a book for every generation of adults, because eventually, it’s highly likely you will either be the one answering the call or the one whose care depends on it.
“Whatever the case, at some point it’s likely to be your turn to care for somebody,” Pinsker writes. “And then it may be your turn to be cared for, so you have to be prepared.”
There are no in-person meetings for the Color of Money Book Club. My picks are meant for you to read at your own pace, but the discussion happens in my newsletter. To join in, email your feedback to [email protected] with the subject “Color of Money Book Club.” I may feature your insights in my free weekly newsletter (subscribe at washingtonpost.com/newsletters/personal-finance/).
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