When I met my husband, he was a D1 college football player with a rigorous practice and weightlifting schedule, eating more protein at one meal than I — a college student who partied, lived on ramen, and did an occasional Zumba class — did in a full day.
Ever since then, fitness has played a different role in our lives. My husband lifts weights and runs around five days a week, and his mental health is intrinsically connected to his ability to work out.
I, on the other hand, prefer more low-impact movements like walks or gentle workout classes and fit them into my schedule when I can.
Although I like to think of us both as being fit and active, when I look back on the last two decades, I realize that I’ve been in a “fitness gap” relationship the whole time.
Some people might struggle with having such a lifestyle discrepancy with their partner, but I’ve learned to accept and embrace it.
The gap became more apparent after we had our first child
In the early years of our relationship, I didn’t consciously think about the fitness gap.
I saw my husband as an athlete and myself as a “regular” person who fit movement in where possible. When I had my first child, I loved working out a few times a week at strength and cardio classes programmed for new moms and taking long walks with the stroller.
However, sleep took priority over fitness during my postpartum life, while his routine remained enviably consistent.
I felt a cascade of emotions, from anger at his undisrupted routine to jealousy of his commitment. As the years went by and we had more kids (we’re now parents of five), there were key moments where this fitness gap would catch me by surprise — sometimes causing me stress.
My husband could chase our kids around the yard for much longer, carry them on his shoulders, and race them up our hill. Over the years, the duration of his workouts reduced from three-hour sessions down to just 30 to 60 minutes, but his dedication to fitness never wavered.
Mirroring my partner’s fitness habits wasn’t a sustainable solution
For a while, I attempted to jump on the fitness bandwagon to better align with my husband. A pattern developed: I’d go hard with workouts for a short period before my intense routine would ultimately falter after a year or so.
In our 20s, I tried to start running with him, aiming to finish a half-marathon together. After a few runs, I developed plantar fasciitis, which landed me in a boot and physical therapy rather than beside him at the finish line.
Other times, I’d join in on his weightlifting sessions, finding out the hard way that it was the absolute last place I wanted to be. We disagreed about everything from routines to form, bickering about even small, silly things.
Although he always welcomed me in his home gym, I realized I’d underestimated the role his alone time there played in his overall well-being.
Really, his fitness routine is a mental-health routine. It’s rare alone time paired with a dopamine hit that gets him through hours of working and parenting five kids.
Realizing I was imposing on a space that was once entirely his was enough to send me out of his home gym and back to my own routines outside the house.
Any feelings of resentment about our fitness gap have dissolved into admiration
Now, 20 years since I met my husband, I can easily talk about the fitness gap between us with happiness and gratitude. Acknowledging it and communicating my feelings about it was key to making sure it didn’t become a point of contention in our marriage.
It helps that my husband has always been receptive to hearing how I feel and even curious to understand how our differences impact me. Along the way, he’s delicately encouraging me to develop my own routines without ever imposing his training regimen on me.
We’ll always have a different level of dedication to exercise, but I’m content with the fact that I married a fitness buff without being one myself.
After all, we align on things that matter, sharing the same level of care about health, nutrition, movement, and healthy habits for our children.
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