One of my dearest friends is getting married next summer. It will be the second marriage for both my friend and the groom, and we are all in our 40s. The date is likely to conflict with my annual getaway to see my favorite band in one of my favorite cities, a vacation that another dear friend and I have done together for years.
I think that I should go to the wedding, because it would hurt my friend if I don’t go and I would feel guilty about not going. But I would also feel guilty about hurting my other friend by bailing on our concert weekend — and resentful at missing my favorite weekend of the year for a wedding, an event that is loaded psychologically for me.
I am single, and loneliness and heartbreak have been near constants in my adult life. Last year I experienced a nightmare scenario at a group vow renewal ceremony. It was painful to hear multiple professions of love and commitment when my own journey has been alone. After that experience, I told myself I’d never go to another wedding.
I know this is my own issue to deal with, and if my friend’s wedding were any other weekend, I would suck it up and be there. But in the face of it conflicting with a weekend I look forward to all year, how do I decide? And how do I bring this up with the bride, who is sympathetic to my single-life struggles?
From the Therapist: You seem to be grappling with what it means to show up for your friend who’s getting married, but I want you to consider the other side of this, too: what it means for her to show up for you as you struggle with being single.
Let’s look at her part first. Many people don’t understand the pain of chronic singleness, especially how it can be activated so readily both in daily life (seeing a couple walking down the street holding hands, filling out a form that asks for marital status or emergency contact information) and on specific occasions (anniversary celebrations, weddings).
Interestingly, many people have an easier time accessing compassion for a woman struggling with infertility who chooses not to attend a friend’s baby shower than for a woman struggling with her singleness who chooses not to attend a friend’s wedding. This might be because the former feels more concrete and time-limited: If you’re actively trying to have a baby, the thinking misguidedly goes, this is a phase in life that will get “resolved.” (The couple might conceive with more attempts or in vitro fertilization, or they might adopt.)
What’s harder for some people to wrap their head around, however, is the experience of decades of wanting to find a partner and not knowing if you ever will. They might misunderstand and even judge someone for skipping a close friend’s wedding “just because you’re single.” But dreading watching other people, even those you care about deeply, proclaim their love doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you human. That vow renewal ceremony you witnessed was painful not because you begrudge others the love they found, but because it shines a bright light on your own longing.
It sounds like your friend has some understanding of this longing, which will make it easier to have a conversation with her about whatever you decide. But first, to help you figure that out, try reframing the dilemma: Think of it less as “Do I attend the wedding (for her) or the concert (for me)?” and more as “What kind of presence can I offer my friend?”
For instance, if you go to the wedding, would you be going as someone who is genuinely excited to celebrate your friend’s joy, glad you’re there to witness this milestone in her life? If so, that’s a reason to go. Or, would you be going as someone weighed down by resentment and grief — attending out of guilt, physically present but emotionally absent? In that case, you can do all the right things — make a toast, appear in the photos, even force yourself onto the dance floor amid what might feel like a sea of couples — but if you’re having a miserable time, that may not be the kind of presence that honors your friend.
Instead, consider how you might celebrate your friend’s wedding in a way that feels both less painful and more authentic. Maybe you write her a beautiful and heartfelt letter that reflects your bond and choose a gift that feels personal and meaningful. Maybe you take her to a lovely meal or activity you both enjoy and have a private celebration without all the triggers you’d encounter at a wedding. In other words, there are different ways of showing up and being present, and generally the one that feels most genuine will be the most desired and appreciated.
As for the guilt, it is likely to show up no matter what you decide, but guilt doesn’t indicate wrongdoing. You’re allowed to need joy, you’re allowed to protect yourself and you can also love your friend. Remember, your task is to answer this question as honestly as possible: What kind of presence can I offer my friend? Then make a choice that respects her and acknowledges the very real emotional circumstances you’re facing.
If you decide not to go, you can tell her the truth: “I’m so happy for you, and I want you to know how important you are to me. At the same time, you know how I struggle with loneliness and not having found a partner, and I need to take care of myself around this.” Then explain why this annual concert ritual feels so important for your well-being, what it’s like for you to attend weddings and how you’d like to celebrate her marriage in a way that feels meaningful and more comfortable and authentic for you.
By being honest, you’re giving her the chance to be there for you, too, which is ultimately what strong friendships are about — figuring out what it means to care for each other, even when it’s tricky or imperfect. In the long run, that kind of presence will matter far more to her — and to you — than where you are on one particular day.
Want to Ask the Therapist? If you have a question, email [email protected]. By submitting a query, you agree to our reader submission terms. This column is not a substitute for professional medical advice.
Lori Gottlieb is a psychotherapist and the author of the best-selling book “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.” She offers readers advice on life’s tough questions in the “Ask the Therapist” column.
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