Dear Miss Manners: I got married at an early age, but the marital bliss was short-lived as my wife died a few years later. That was 20 years ago, and I have since built a new, happy life for myself.
In this new life, I have never had any desire to embark on another long-term relationship, let alone remarry. I enjoy being on my own, although I consider myself to be quite sociable. I have a group of good friends, who provide excellent company whenever I want it.
However, there is one seemingly insurmountable problem I face: I am surrounded by people for whom marriage is the be-all and end-all of life.
My friends and family don’t question me about my choices. They quietly accept that this is how I am comfortable living my life. The opposite is true of my colleagues, as well as strangers who somehow drift into my world. They continuously ask me why I am not married, as if there is something seriously wrong with that. I have tried to explain my reasons for not being partnered, but my explanations fall on deaf ears.
Many wax lyrical about the joys of marriage, claiming I am wasting my life and missing out by not having children. Nieces and nephews suit me just fine. Often, I am told that I have yet to find the right woman (I did). I am routinely asked if I am gay (I am not).
I don’t need recommendations for a grief therapist (done and dusted). I don’t want to be fixed up on dates with their unmarried friends, who are probably experiencing the same level of annoyance as me.
Therefore, Miss Manners, to avoid withdrawing myself from any sort of social interaction in the office, gym or anywhere I encounter such marriage-bent people, I am begging you to suggest a few polite phrases that might stop these types of conversations, however well-intentioned, dead in their tracks. I need an elegant way to say “Bug off and mind your own business.”
“I’m flattered, but I thought you were already married.”
Dear Miss Manners: I love to cook and to host dinner parties, and we have many friends who reciprocate. The wife of one of the couples does not like cilantro (completely understandable), and the husband of another couple does not eat onions or garlic.
Is it rude to make separate side dishes for each of them that do not contain these ingredients, while the rest of the group has sides that contain them?
In other words, should I forgo these ingredients for everyone so that we all eat the same side dishes?
Are your other guests insistent that their meals exclusively be accompanied by salsa?
Because otherwise, it seems to Miss Manners that omitting those three ingredients still leaves a pretty wide berth for alternate sides. And making the same thing for everyone has the advantage of not drawing undue attention to the guests with aversions — whether they are completely understandable or not.
New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
© 2025 Judith Martin
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