When I was 10, my parents started dieting — and they never stopped! (I am now 38, and they are 68.) They equate thinness with good health. When I was 13, and wore size 0 jeans, my mother enrolled me in a weight-loss program. My parents lectured me frequently about getting my normal weight under control. By 16, I had an eating disorder that I’ve struggled with for decades — though I am now in recovery. Last year, they started taking semaglutides. They eat very small portions, and when they go to restaurants, they exclaim about the gigantic serving sizes and try repeatedly to push most of their meals onto others. As part of my recovery, I try not to talk about food and weight. Is there a constructive way to ask them to do the same when I’m around?
DAUGHTER
I’m glad to hear that you’re in recovery. Eating disorders, as you well know, can be difficult to get — and keep — under control. They are also associated with elevated mortality rates. So, let’s be careful here. The fact that your parents have watched you struggle with food for 25 years and still carry on about it suggests that their food issues may be as deep-seated as yours. Do not jeopardize your recovery in protracted wrangling with them.
You can certainly make a simple request: “Could you try to stop talking about food and portions when I’m around? I find it destabilizing.” I am not optimistic, though. They have had over two decades to make the connection between their obsession with weight and your struggle with food — and they have not done so. If they were going to be sensitive to your disorder, they probably would be already.
So, if your request fails, try to see your parents outside of mealtimes. Meet them for walks in the park or visits to museums or bookstores. Not many of us get perfect parents, and it’s not uncommon for parents’ strengths and weaknesses to shape those of their children. But there comes a time, too, for recognizing our parents’ limitations and for creating healthy boundaries accordingly.
A Song in His Heart and a Burp in His Throat
I share a small office with two co-workers. We are all in our early 20s. At first, we got along fine. Then the sole male among us started singing audibly at his desk and burping loudly. Our co-worker asked him to stop singing. He said he would, but he hasn’t. And I’ve jokingly said, “Excuse you,” after his burps, but they continue, too. Advice?
CO-WORKER
To be clear: It is not your responsibility to teach your co-worker appropriate workplace behavior. You can report his childish habits to your supervisor if you like. But it may be simpler to handle this directly. In a non-joking way, say: “Your singing and belching are disruptive and unprofessional. Please stop, or I will ask to have you transferred to another office.” That should do it. If not, speak to your supervisor. There is no need to suffer bad behavior in shared work spaces.
Reading Between the Lines of a Non-Invitation
In recent years, some of my siblings have shut me out of their lives because I left the religious community to which they belong. Their religion requires this kind of disassociation. Recently, my sister, with whom I was very close, called to say that she was getting married. She said the wedding was “open to the public,” but she didn’t invite me, and I don’t know if she wants me there. I want nothing to do with this religion or its setting; it harmed me psychologically. But this is my sister getting married! Should I go?
BROTHER
I can almost set aside — for the sake of your question — the cruelty of a religion that would ask your siblings to shun you because you choose not to worship as they do. (They didn’t create the religion.) I can even feel compassion for your sister, who isn’t brave enough to stand up for you publicly in the face of church teachings. But my generosity withers when she calls you privately and refuses to level with you.
Saying “I can’t stop you from coming” is different from saying “I want you to come.” Call her back and ask directly: “Do you want me to come to your wedding?” Ask her to be honest with you, and tell her that you aren’t eager to return to the church, but you will consider it if she wants you there. If she expresses any ambivalence, save yourself the pain and send her a loving note instead.
Signed. Sealed. Delivered?
I like sending birthday cards to friends. It feels thoughtful and old-fashioned in a good way. But many recipients don’t follow up with thanks. I don’t need to be thanked, necessarily, but I would like to know that my card arrived. Thoughts?
CARD LOVER
I can understand your desire for acknowledgment and even your curiosity about whether the Postal Service has come through for you. But if a minor gesture, like mailing a greeting card, creates an obligation for recipients in your mind, find another gesture — or upgrade to return-receipt postage. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but you’re sending first-class mail, not diamond bracelets.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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