DEAR ABBY: My 43-year-old daughter, “Patti,” a mom of two from different dads, is constantly in financial difficulties and periodically asks family members for money. Her live-in boyfriend earns a good living but is no help beyond paying the rent. Their partnership allegedly exists only for the kids’ benefit. The two school-age daughters attend private school. The boyfriend’s older son (by another mom) is away at college.
We have noted a pattern of frivolous spending — including fancy birthday parties, hairdos and clothes for the kids, along with plastic surgeries for Patti. She filed for bankruptcy 20 years ago after amassing huge credit card debt. She invested a good deal of time completing an online course to become a nurse practitioner and has subsequently failed the state exam. She has no plan to move forward to finish up the work so she can obtain a better job, which was her original oft-stated goal.
My ex-wife stonewalls me when I attempt to discuss Patti’s difficulties. Patti has rejected my offers to review her finances (as a precondition to financial assistance) and recently refused to attend free financial counseling. She reacted to that suggestion in a series of nasty, resentful emails. I am at a loss to know how to help this daughter, who seems to believe money will fix everything. — DAD AT HIS LIMIT IN OHIO
DEAR DAD: If you really want to help Patti, close the Bank of Daddy. Stop bailing her out. At her age (43!), your daughter has lessons she needs to learn on her own, with the help of a credit counseling and financial counseling service. Based upon what you have written, she will not stand on her own two feet until she is forced to.
DEAR ABBY: I am in my early 50s and married. I have a few questions about married life when people get older. Is it normal to feel like two adults just sharing a house together? I understand that at some point the sex might stop. With us, the problem is physical — it’s not that we don’t want to. Also, do couples stop telling each other they love each other, knowing they do love each other but just not saying it?
I know these questions might seem strange, but I have had them in the back of my mind for a while now and never knew who I could ask. — FIFTY AND CONFUSED
DEAR FIFTY: Your questions are not “strange,” and thank you for coming to me with them. When I sometimes hear from spouses saying they feel they are just sharing a house together, I respond that the most important quality in a marriage is a willingness to communicate. Almost everyone wants to feel loved, accepted, understood and valued. Sometimes couples forget to verbalize their affection or show it in other ways. There are ways couples who no longer have sex can be intimate other than “the act,” but for their relationship to thrive, they must communicate.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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