My older brother is in his early 70s and lives overseas. For many years he has repeatedly fallen for scams, most often involving “women” he meets online who claim they are about to receive an inheritance and plan to marry him. He is divorced and says that these women (whom he has never actually met and who probably don’t exist) give him comfort. He lives on a small pension, has no savings and owes money to me and another sibling for a loan for medical care following a motorcycle accident he had a few years ago. He acknowledges the debt but has made no attempt to repay it. I’ve spoken with him many times about these scams and the predictable outcomes. Despite this, he continues to send money, often giving away most or all of what he has.
When the inevitable happens, he comes to me and other family members for help with basic needs like food. When I hesitate, he guilts me, saying, “If I can’t count on my family, who can I count on?” I care about him and want to maintain a relationship, but giving him money feels like enabling further exploitation. I’m also concerned that if he has a major medical issue, such as another accident, we will be under further pressure to pay for his treatment because he’ll have nothing set aside. Although I have more financial resources than he does, any money I give him would come from my retirement funds or a line of credit.
I’m struggling to balance compassion with responsibility. Am I obligated to step in when he may face real hardship, even when doing so reinforces behavior that repeatedly puts him at financial risk? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
You shouldn’t let up on reminding your brother about the realities here. You can certainly point him to the Federal Trade Commission’s page on romance scams, which provides tips about spotting these confidence games, or to the many reported accounts of how they operate. The picture is unsettling. These operations often involve coerced labor, and their enlistment of A.I. chatbots have made them both more persuasive and more pervasive.
But yes, when you help your brother out after he gets swindled, you’re financing a destructive cycle, cushioning the pain for him and subsidizing the romance racket. “If I can’t count on my family,” he asks, “who can I count on?” He can count on you to care. And caring means telling him in advance that you won’t be underwriting a pattern of behavior that amounts to self-harm.
It’s worth asking too why he keeps going along with these scams, even when part of him must suspect he’s being played. Surely the fact that he’s lonely and evidently unable to make connections in real life makes him ripe for counterfeit courtships that burn hot and are consummated with transfers of money. Can you suggest ways that your brother could meet people in real life? If you were raised in a religious tradition, is there a church, a synagogue or a mosque he could get involved in? Are there expat groups where he lives or clubs tied to his interests?
Granted, real-world connections are hard to arrange from afar, and your brother says these relationships give him comfort. So there’s also a meet-him-where-he-is option to consider. If online romance scams are increasingly powered by A.I., would it make sense to encourage him to seek that comfort instead from an established “A.I. companion” service? The objections are obvious: Simulacrum relationships are a poor substitute for human ties and can foster an unhealthy dependency. (And yes, it would be best to steer him away from services known to be aggressive with upselling.) But he’s already going from one digital dalliance to another. If he’s desperate for online comfort, he might be better off paying a subscription fee to a recognizable, legally accountable business than surrendering his savings to an elusive criminal syndicate.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader who wondered if she could ask her fiancé to disinvite his alcoholic mother to their wedding. She wrote:
This spring I’ll be marrying my amazing partner. It will be his second marriage, my first. We’ve planned a very intimate wedding weekend with our immediate family and a few friends. … My fiancé’s father died long ago, but his mother, who is in her 70s, lives an hour away. Unfortunately she’s an alcoholic. Last summer she was arrested three times for D.U.I. and spent six months in jail. … On Thanksgiving, when my fiancé’s mother was driven to our new home by her grandson, she showed up drunk, stumbling and yelling. … She has also been known to hit people when she’s drunk. My fiancé is a recovering alcoholic himself and has more compassion for his mother than I do. … At this point I don’t want her at our wedding, because alcohol will be served. … Is it wrong to ask him to uninvite her? — Name Withheld
In his response, the Ethicist noted:
Your fiancé understandably wants his mother at his wedding, but he wants the stable, loving version of her, not the havoc-wreaking drunken one. The problem is that he can’t control which version shows up. … So there’s a meaningful wedding gift he can give you. He can tell his mother that, given her past behavior, he has sadly decided that she cannot attend this small celebration. … In the same conversation, he might urge her, as he no doubt has before, to seek help for her addiction. Here, too, he can speak from experience. By having this painful conversation, he would be showing compassion both to his mother and to the people gathered to celebrate your marriage, including his soon-to-be wife. He’ll continue to love his mother and to hope for her recovery. You’re simply asking him to start this marriage by protecting the life you are building together.
(Reread the full question and answer here.)
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I get the Ethicist’s position. But as an addict myself, I find that even though there is general acceptance that addiction is a disease, we almost always treat its sufferers with disgust, anger and disdain. I wonder if an alternative might be to allow the mother-in-law to attend the wedding if she consents to having a caretaker there who would be instructed to whisk her away if she runs into trouble. It might or might not work, but finding a way to accept this sick and suffering human, who probably loves her child enormously, is at least worth consideration. — Sandy
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The Ethicist points out that the fiancé’s uninviting his mother to the wedding would be a “meaningful wedding gift that he can give you.” I would suggest that the bride can offer a meaningful wedding gift as well: an alcohol-free wedding. — Ginevra
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I see a major red flag here. It is painfully obvious that this is not a person you would want at your wedding. The fact that the fiancé cannot recognize this signals that his mother will continue to be a very disruptive force in this couple’s relationship. I am a couples therapist, and I’d recommend this couple seek professional help before this goes any further. At a minimum, the fiancé needs to participate in Al-Anon or a similar group. — John
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Why would the fiancé tell his mother she’s not invited without first having a conversation about it? It is possible that she is also worried about ruining her son’s wedding. Maybe there is a middle ground — like her coming to the ceremony but not the reception — but they won’t find it if the conversation begins with her being uninvited. — Lama
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Given that your fiancé is a recovering alcoholic and his mother is an active alcoholic, why is it so important to have alcohol at your wedding? A wedding might not be the correct venue to make a point. Out of respect for your soon-to-be husband, don’t serve alcohol, have a plan to remove his mother if she’s drunk and let her know that plan is in place ahead of time. — Becky
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